Here it goes..

I am tired of living a life of mediocrity. Always saying, "I'll start that tomorrow.." or "maybe someday.." It's time for today.. for a change that will last, something sustainable. So here I will document my journey, my struggles, and my triumphs through Christ.

The Breakdown--

1. Gluttonous & Out of Shape-- This is an area I have struggled with for years. To begin with, I am lactose intolerant, sensitive to sugar, and turn to food for just about everything. God has really highlighted gluttony as a major shortcoming in my relationship with Him and I'm sick of it. I am 20 years old and feel like I'm 40..

2. Lame Relationship with Jesus-- Since returning from YWAM, my spiritual life has fallen apart. It seems I needed the environment of YWAM to seek Jesus but that's wrong. It's time for me to take hold of my own desire for Him and put it into practice. No more excuses or saying I don't have time or don't know how. Of course I do, and God is seeking me! All I have to do is turn around and face Him.

3. Dying Desires-- I have stopped dancing, writing, singing, playing guitar, baking and just about everything else I used to love to do. My desire for life giving activities is dying and I want to see the passion revived.

So.. What's Next?

It's time for some goals, ones you can help me be accountable to. I've tried to do this all on my own and I fail.. epically. I'm open for comments, suggestions, criticism.. anything you can throw at me. Isn't that the point of a blog?

Goals--

1. Healthy Lifestyle--

<> No more dairy..

<> Run 3x a week

<> Begin to cut out refined sugar

2. Passionate Prayer Life--

<> Seek Jesus in the am.. 6:30 M-F, 8:30 Weekends

<> Keep a prayer journal daily

<> Switch the way I seek Him regularly

3. Refueled Aspirations--

<> Blog more-- that's where the writing comes in

<> Write one song a month

<> Bake something to give away once a week

I understand that that's a lot of goals.. and it'll take a while to nail them down and give it my all. But I'm ready. I'm ready to live a more fulfilling life because that is what Jesus has called me to.. here it goes..

Yearn.

Our souls were created to yearn.. to desire something far more than our minds can ever begin to comprehend. The beauty of the yearning ignited deep within the darkest corners of our being is that you don't have to understand to move.. to act.. to believe and belong. But the irony of yearning is that you realize when what you are yearning for is distant.. when it is a mere brush away. And the further you allow that yearning to dissipate.. the deeper you feel the sense of being alone grow. You see, when what we yearn for slips from our grip we too fall from our reality into an existence that challenges the truth that sets us free.. colors become less vibrant, sleep becomes more inviting, and a melancholy that is immeasurable begins to ensue.

Each day I slip farther away from God..

when I give up on the desire to yearn something more.

and each day it's a battle to keep Him at the center.

but I'll press on..

and seek Him harder than the day before.

to ensure that this beautiful yearning remains

vibrant and true.

Conviction.

Conviction is something that has quickly become a constant in my life.. much different than it's counterpart of guilt, God uses it to challenge and refine us. The pounding of my heart as the realization takes full hold of emotion reminds me that being in God's will is not for the weak or faint of heart. As His unending love seeps into the depths of our reality, we cannot help but begin the painful transformation into a sold-out follower of Christ, our example. This life does not come without burden, but promises a horizon of challenges, pain and temptation. I can think of nothing more that I would long to pursue than to be purged of these shortcomings and made blameless in the sight of my heavenly Father, a daughter worthy of love. But that's the beauty of grace.. the fact that I will never achieve perfection and will always be stained and worthless by comparison is the manifestation of the love so freely given. God is the essence of all that is holy, true and right.. I am nothing. But where my nothing is offset by His everything, a collision of mercy, love and righteousness meets my filth and I am lovingly reconciled to my Maker.

Isaiah 1 will tear you up.