it's time

Life is too short to let it go by unnoticed. Therefore it is time to begin speaking through my art again. it's been far too long.

Letters.

Once upon a time.. I was passionate about words. So much that I lived and breathed writing and became infatuated with spelling out all aspects of my sleepless mind. But somewhere in there, time came in and took that love away from me only allowing me slivers of remembrance.

Why is it that the things we love fall away and we are left with pieces in the end? Who wants pieces.. who wants the leftovers of a heart torn and worn? As writing was taken away from me, I too was taken from my Savior. How? By my own sinful desires and inconsistencies. I know.. horrible comparison but God makes connections in the strangest ways. He speaks in more ways than we usually admit or allow and if we would simply open our eyes we would see Him writing love letters to us constantly in daily life.. we just have to slow down enough to open them. If you leave them left unopened long enough, you'll wind up down the road with a love you never wanted.. a love of sin and the things of this world.. while God's love letters speak so beautifully of grace, mercy and peace and give us glimpses of paradise.

What hurts more is leaving those letters left unanswered. Reading them and tossing them into a pile to be forgotten. What if Christ forgot about us? That's hard to comprehend because He never, ever will. He is the lover that will never cease to love and encourage. He gently corrects and guides us towards reconciliation. Then why is it so hard to forget about Him? Why do we allow ourselves to fall away when His love is so welcoming.. These things I never will understand. I can contemplate them day after day with no comfort on my own accord. If we would simply open ourselves up to the Father we would understand what He has for us. But the less we seek Him, the more busy we get, the more answers we try to find on our own.. the further away from Him we find ourselves. So the answer is easy, yet it is still difficult! Chase after God's heart and you will find it. Strive after His will and He will come through in His own way.

Words.

Silent.. a word.. a state of being.. an emotion. A word that I never understood nor accepted or allowed in my life before. However.. silent is what I am and what I have been for a season. My heart is crying out but there are no words to describe the battle going on in my soul.

Emptiness is a new word that I've grown to abhor. It is the absence of all things and the addition of an abyss not easily filled. It is the raw emotion of being nothing at all and having nothing left to give. How ironic that emptiness leads to silence and silence equally pours into emptiness creating a vicious cycle not easily escaped.

Hope.. a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.. a person or thing that may help or save someone.. a feeling of trust. To break free from abusive emotional states we need to cling to hope. The moment we hope and put our trust in someone that saves.. in our Savior.. we begin a new journey. A journey to joy and to begin being filled.. a journey to speechlessness rather than silence. Where we are in awe of where we've been and the miracle that Christ died to give. The miracle unveils understanding that in order to begin the climb to beauty and restoration we have to be brought down to our own destruction.

But destruction leads to healing, new beginnings and joy that surpasses our pain. This doesn't mean that all of the pain disappears but joy has the ability to put things into perspective.. to allow us to see that this earthly struggle is nothing in comparison to the promise of life that was given so selflessly to us by the loving Father and His Son who realized purpose is only found in our Father. So we'll keep pressing on and pressing in.. knowing that hope is what we have whether we feel it or not. And God is always by our side.. enduring the same emotions and situations.

in need of a muse.

how is it that when i long to write the most, i don't have a single muse? this depresses me.

greatness.

What does it take to be great?

One might say that greatness can be taught.. while I believe this is true, I don't believe that an unwilling individual can merely be taught to attain eminence. Greatness requires passion and fervent pursuit. I have passion and I'm ready to pursue the dreams that God has sown so delicately in my heart.. I will chase desire as long as I'm breathing.

You may ask, "What are you passionate about?"

I am passionate about the smiles on children's faces.. ones that withstand hardship, pain and suffering and endure through the trials that the world has laid heavy upon them. I am passionate about seeing individuals' faces light up for the first time when they feel God's unending love. I am passionate about working hard for change in a broken world because I know my God is so much bigger than the destruction. I am passionate about worshipping Jesus, in spirit AND in truth and I will sing until I can't find the words to describe His beauty and will press on even still. I am passionate about capturing truth, beauty, pain and every other emotion on film and exposing it raw and unrefined in its natural splendor. My passion runs deep and wide and will not be suppressed.

So what are you passionate about? Pursue it til the end because Christ's passion took Him to the cross.

a song in my soul.

My life is a song lately. Every lyric I hear fuels my heart and each step that I take. I just want to melt away into the rhythmic beauty and dance the day away. I wish that the world could mold to the song that's in my soul and live in harmony amidst the sweet highs and lows of the treble and bass. I could sit for hours strumming the same chord pattern, letting my heart wander where it likes because that's where I feel God the most. My life is a song and His have beautifully composed the days into a work of genius that is an outward expression of His awe-inspiring love. As long as He is the songwriter, I'll dance the day away.

Here it goes..

I am tired of living a life of mediocrity. Always saying, "I'll start that tomorrow.." or "maybe someday.." It's time for today.. for a change that will last, something sustainable. So here I will document my journey, my struggles, and my triumphs through Christ.

The Breakdown--

1. Gluttonous & Out of Shape-- This is an area I have struggled with for years. To begin with, I am lactose intolerant, sensitive to sugar, and turn to food for just about everything. God has really highlighted gluttony as a major shortcoming in my relationship with Him and I'm sick of it. I am 20 years old and feel like I'm 40..

2. Lame Relationship with Jesus-- Since returning from YWAM, my spiritual life has fallen apart. It seems I needed the environment of YWAM to seek Jesus but that's wrong. It's time for me to take hold of my own desire for Him and put it into practice. No more excuses or saying I don't have time or don't know how. Of course I do, and God is seeking me! All I have to do is turn around and face Him.

3. Dying Desires-- I have stopped dancing, writing, singing, playing guitar, baking and just about everything else I used to love to do. My desire for life giving activities is dying and I want to see the passion revived.

So.. What's Next?

It's time for some goals, ones you can help me be accountable to. I've tried to do this all on my own and I fail.. epically. I'm open for comments, suggestions, criticism.. anything you can throw at me. Isn't that the point of a blog?

Goals--

1. Healthy Lifestyle--

<> No more dairy..

<> Run 3x a week

<> Begin to cut out refined sugar

2. Passionate Prayer Life--

<> Seek Jesus in the am.. 6:30 M-F, 8:30 Weekends

<> Keep a prayer journal daily

<> Switch the way I seek Him regularly

3. Refueled Aspirations--

<> Blog more-- that's where the writing comes in

<> Write one song a month

<> Bake something to give away once a week

I understand that that's a lot of goals.. and it'll take a while to nail them down and give it my all. But I'm ready. I'm ready to live a more fulfilling life because that is what Jesus has called me to.. here it goes..

Yearn.

Our souls were created to yearn.. to desire something far more than our minds can ever begin to comprehend. The beauty of the yearning ignited deep within the darkest corners of our being is that you don't have to understand to move.. to act.. to believe and belong. But the irony of yearning is that you realize when what you are yearning for is distant.. when it is a mere brush away. And the further you allow that yearning to dissipate.. the deeper you feel the sense of being alone grow. You see, when what we yearn for slips from our grip we too fall from our reality into an existence that challenges the truth that sets us free.. colors become less vibrant, sleep becomes more inviting, and a melancholy that is immeasurable begins to ensue.

Each day I slip farther away from God..

when I give up on the desire to yearn something more.

and each day it's a battle to keep Him at the center.

but I'll press on..

and seek Him harder than the day before.

to ensure that this beautiful yearning remains

vibrant and true.

Conviction.

Conviction is something that has quickly become a constant in my life.. much different than it's counterpart of guilt, God uses it to challenge and refine us. The pounding of my heart as the realization takes full hold of emotion reminds me that being in God's will is not for the weak or faint of heart. As His unending love seeps into the depths of our reality, we cannot help but begin the painful transformation into a sold-out follower of Christ, our example. This life does not come without burden, but promises a horizon of challenges, pain and temptation. I can think of nothing more that I would long to pursue than to be purged of these shortcomings and made blameless in the sight of my heavenly Father, a daughter worthy of love. But that's the beauty of grace.. the fact that I will never achieve perfection and will always be stained and worthless by comparison is the manifestation of the love so freely given. God is the essence of all that is holy, true and right.. I am nothing. But where my nothing is offset by His everything, a collision of mercy, love and righteousness meets my filth and I am lovingly reconciled to my Maker.

Isaiah 1 will tear you up.

Enough.

Where is the balance? Between a heart that screams for your desires, a soul that yearns a greater call and a mind that halts all movement. The inner struggle that consumes longs to force fear and doubt into the truth that was so freely given.. this is the battle, one birthed at the beginning of time. The enemy lives for nothing more than to see us paralyzed, apathetic at best until life itself slips from our grip. But my God will not stand for this.. No, He is far more than the powers of this world and already has the victory. So I will press on and hold His heart as the promise of a life He has well kept for me. A greater day where all is restored back to His all-consuming compassion and favor. And the beautiful thing is that Satan hates nothing more than when we take our sorrows and turn them into joy. We have known no pain as great as our Savior's. Step out and take a risk because Christ risked it all upon the cross.

But in every way we show we are servants of God: in accepting many hard things, in troubles, in difficulties, and in great problems... We show we are servants of Christ by our pure lives, our understanding patience and kindness, by the Holy Spirit, by true love, by speaking the truth, and by God's power. We use our right living to defend ourselves against everything.

2 Corinthians 6:4, 6:6-7

Chase.

There is a conflict inside pulling me in directions I have never been.. and I am fighting it.  Fighting it for reasons unknown and far too diverse to name.  To say that I've settled is not something I am attuned to state but others have decided upon its validity.  Where do I go from here.. my heart is calling out to the ends of the earth, awaiting the day when the winds of change will call me home.  Home is not a place.. but rather a state of being.  Where all falls in place and breathing is freeing.  So I here I will stay and dream of this day with a passion that will never fade.  Because my God is bigger than the "others" and has given me a promise to chase.. the promise that He has placed a destiny inside of me that is more overwhelming than words and as far reaching as the heavenly realms He holds intertwined in His fingers.  Beauty is beckoning.. God has my captured my heart and He I will forever pursue beyond the understanding of this world.

news.

I realize that I am rather vague in my writings.. so here I will clue you in on what's happening in my life.

God has led me to make the decision to stay in Cheyenne until He releases me to "go" again. During my time here, I plan on taking advantage of the wonderful Hathaway money that the state of Wyoming hands out and will be attending LCCC beginning this summer. Other than that, I feel extremely drawn to connect with God's work that is going on within the city. God has emphasized this as a "sowing season" where I will grow deeper in my relationships here and dig in to work towards His heart. I am so stoked to see what God has during my time in Cheyenne and I can't wait to seek after Him with all of my friends here. We're in for a crazy time.. because He's got something BIG in store for all of us.

This is definitely the hardest decision I've had to make, but nonetheless, rewarding. It is so easy for me to use missions as a way of running away (thank you for helping me realize that Heather), hiding behind the problems of the world and never facing what God wants to work on in my own life. So Jesus, here I am.. all of me. I'm ready now.

subtle.

a subtle comment spurred me to search the inner workings of my confusion and pen an exhaustive interpretation..

or, perhaps, brief.

Culture shock is an accessory I am not fond of. I've spent the past year transitioning from one world to the next.. whether it be as minute as the brush from mid-west hospitality to the rather reserved east coast or the clock-turning journey around the world to a country as opposite as India.. my head has been left in a somewhat unmanageable stupor. However, "unmanageable" may be a bit harsh..

Character is built in the moment when the life others have promised is just across the water but making the conscious decision to follow Christ in the opposite direction.

I find that such is the season..

a season of sowing in a land

familiar..

yet completely foreign.

Only God knows the outcome of our actions.. for now, I will obey as best as I know how. And perhaps one day.. I will be able to write in hand less cryptic.. Enjoy.

Day.

Just yesterday, I was talking to God about feeling old.. I have this fear of growing up, of becoming old. It seems irrational, but I can think of nothing I fear more. God has placed so much passion inside of us.. our hearts beat to dream.. to never let a day pass without letting our minds wander down paths of the places we wish to go. I think it's a blessing and one that I would love to fully understand. I am not ashamed to say that I don't desire a life of consistency, I live for adventure.. for the adventure that Christ died to give me and knitted far before I was thought of. I want to take hold of that adventure and let God take me where he will. Life is beautiful.. and I want to be a part of it.

What's your adventure?

Beautiful India.

Oh what it's like to post a blog again.. reminiscing all the while.

I am currently in India.. yes, I realize that I've been here for over a month with little or no communication but the thought jumped into my head that I do indeed have a blog and it is perhaps time to tell everyone that I'm alive.

India is beautiful. The People, the chaos, the language, the food. I can't get enough of it. There seems to be nothing more exhilirating than jumping in an auto rickshaw and weaving in and out of traffic taking in the many sights and smells. The people we have met are so friendly, they definitely have mastered the art of hospitality and as soon as they meet you they reply, "Here's my number, call me and we will have a meal together." They are so warm and welcoming, it makes me wish that the west would adopt more of the eastern mindset of family and togetherness.

I haven't had much opportunity to do photos which has made me quite sad.. but I plan on taking a day for a photo excursion to document this awe-inspiring city. God has been doing amazing things.. opening the hearts of people, allowing divine appointments with people that needed to see His glory and love. Just this morning I was out on the balcony of our flat worshipping and I could hear a faint voice through the sound of my iPod. "Hello, hello" finally I looked up to see a women on the roof of the buliding next door. "I would be more than delighted if you would join us for lunch for Puja." When would that ever happen in the States? (By the way, Sri Sri Saraswati Puja is a holiday here for the Hindu goddess of knowledge).

Well I must head out to the market before we have an all-night prayer meeting.
Love you guys!

depravity.

for weeks I have been deprived of sleep, the very essence of action and life.

without energy to keep my eyes open, i see the world with a new perspective.. and a heart that mimics Christ's beats to provide the rhythm to a new day.  in my depravity, i find that i am nearer my intended design.  instead of yearning for sleep, i yearn for Christ.  he is my source.  my beginning and my end.  my everything. the weight of my eyes mirrors the weight of my affection.  i am a being that craves love.  and the heart of the father.  compassion is my core, i have been created to seek perfection, though never obtaining it.. knowing that it is enough to brush the robe of the one who calls me his beloved.  he is my perfection.  and i am in a perpetual dream state.  heaven beckons and my eternity lingers near.  the time is right.  the place is fitting.  to seek the one true love and call him home, into the heart that is rightfully his.

All I want.

All I want is to know God.

To really press in and stay there.

To drown in the ocean of His relentless love..

until all else fades into the background.

For without God, where will my love come from?

Where will I find the capacity to have compassion?

Where will I find life, meaning, value?

And who will I love?

He is the reason I live.

He is the reason I dance..

the reason I sing

and have truth.

But overall, He's the reason I know love..

and the reason I know how to love.

This is where I wish to stay.

This moment is sheer bliss.  When He is so present that everything else seems to melt away into a fictitious overlay that barely brushes the surface of reality.  This is where I wish to stay.. the sun warming the earth and my thoughts as I am so lovingly revealed the concealed nature of the One who knit me so flawlessly.  This is where I wish to stay.  Where my world is aligned with the rhythm of the vivacious heart of the Father and I am allowed to breathe deep of the truth.  This is where I wish to stay.  But today I will place this moment in a locket to wear around my neck, nearest my heart.  For He is always with me, and there I will forever stay.

Storm.

Where do we go from here?  All of these years have been welling up to break through in a storm.  Emotions too strong to be contained, a heart beating uncontrollably.  Where is my God, I used to wonder.. abandon was a word I used to describe Him.  But I didn't know Him.. and I still don't.  Each day I question His love and seclude Him to my selfish, inconsistent thoughts.. Today I'm an orphan, left alone to fend for myself.. screaming out to be saved by a Father who never wanted me.  My throat runs dry and my eyes can cry no more.

Who is my Father?

Who am I to dictate who my God is?  It's my fallen soul that screams out lies and drowns the truth with its ugly shrieks.

Who is my Father?

My Father is true.  He is love in the purest form and will never leave me.  He has saved me countless times, shielded and protected me from the afflictions of the Enemy.  He has lifted me up, poured purity into my heart, and set my soul free.  My heart beats for Him alone and I will keep pressing forward and learning to fight alongside Him.  He goes before me, sending angels, preparing the way and keeping my path safe.  He is a promise, truth, and life in the fullest.  Who would push away a Father like Him?  Who could ever question His character?  He is knocking, always knocking but it's a choice to let Him in.

Today I choose to let go of my orphan mentality and hold tight to the truth that my Father is near, holding me in His arms and comforting me from the storm.

Behold, I stand at the door and knock.  If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in.       Revelation 3:20

Love Letter.

Imagine pouring your entire being into a love letter that will be read, disregarded and disposed of.  Your heart beats to express the love that it contains, knowing that it is a risk to convey the words but risking is half of the reward and the battle entirely.  For if you are loved, it will be returned in ten fold.. but if you are denied, your vulnerability will be put on display and you may be broken for an eternity.

Now can you apply this when it comes to God?

This is precisely what the Bible is.. a raw and beautiful account of a love so forceful and amazing.. so pure and awe-inspiring.  God poured out His unending passion for all; we have heard, we have read, we have disregarded.  The pain that Christ experienced on the cross is a parallel and outward expression of the turmoil the heart of the Father was enduring at our blatant ignorance and pride.  I cannot even begin to fathom the deep pain of rejection Christ endured to set our relationship with God anew.. to pour it all out for a society that never wanted Him.  Would I be able to love if I knew I wouldn't be loved back?

His love is so pure, so real and I am blessed in ways unimaginable. Christ is the lover of my soul and knows me to my depths.  Have you experienced that love?

Come close listen to the story
about a love more faithful than the morning
The Father gave his only Son just to save us

The earth was shaking in the dark
All creation felt the Fathers broken heart
tears were filling heaven's eyes
The day that true love died, the day that true love died
When blood and water hit the ground
Walls we couldn’t move came crashing down
We were free and made alive
The day that true love died, The day that true love died

Search your heart you know you can’t deny it
Come on, lose your life just so you can find it
The Father gave his only son just to save us

Phil Wickham- True Love