Pull.

What is it that pulls me to life..  what I'm getting at is what is it that starts the action and cultivates a reaction in my life?  

As I was sitting, replaying the events of my life, a strange concept hit me with full force.  When conviction numbs you to your core, you take notice.  I am about to embark on a journey.. to where, I have not the faintest idea but God brought up a question.  "What made your last journey?  Was it me?  Or was it something else?"  When it comes down to it, did I really cling to God for all that I was yearning for or was I relying on others as my go to?  I am confident that much of what took place was done with the Lord's strength but it made me question whether I am looking to rely on others once more.  I need a challenge.  I need new settings.  Maybe I need to be "new" again to be back in the state where God is the focus, as life should always be.  This cannot be done any longer, I can't base my faith and my relationship with the Father off of what someone else believes, what do I believe?  I have been tested in my personal faith, but it is no where near solidified.  I want God, and I want all of Him.. I want to test the depths of His love and find my adventure and source in Him.  I am now twenty years old and an adult.. how did I ever reach this state without understanding it's responsibilities?  It's my turn to seek God.. He is always there waiting but what have I done lately to pursue Him?  

This heart is aching for truth, for understanding, for love.. and the source of course is Christ.  That is my journey.  The destination is neither the end nor the answer.  Whether God leads me to the ends of the earth or right next door, my heart is hungry for Him alone.  He will lead me to the right surroundings, the right people, and the right life to strengthen my pursuit.

Come be the fire inside of me
Come be the flame upon my heart
Come be the fire inside of me
Until You and I are one

-Misty Edwards

Faith.

Being home has been absolutely amazing and well-needed.  There have been days where I have said, "There's no way I'm going back to Boston.. I love my friends and family too much to leave," but God continues to remind me of His promises.  This fall will be what I make of it.  I'm going to give it my all, never skip a beat, and bask in the glory of Christ and my relationship with Him.  I am confident that God is going to rock my faith again and challenge me to be uncomfortable so He can work more in my life.. that's alright by me.  

Sometimes I think that's why He called me so far away from home.. I can't just get in my car and drive to see my parents when I'm having a hard time or go knocking on my best friend's door when I need help.  This enables God to be the center.. to be essential where he should be 100% of the time.  He is my Father and if we look at it in terms of eternity, He's really the only one that will always be there for me.  This is not to say that I won't miss all of you terribly.. because I will.  I want to keep in touch, keep up these relationships because they are so important to me.  I love all of you :]

Seeing the Bigger Picture.

Creation.

Something I uncovered while reading my journal.. something that reminded me of the awe-factor of God:

God, I adore being in nature.. I love the passing clouds, the warmth of the sun, and the cool dirt beneath my feet.  I love it all.  I think that I see you most when I'm surrounded by your creation.  Every time the wind rustles my hair and the sun kisses my skin, I know you are near.  The birds echo your praises and butterflies model your gentle majesty.  Lord, to see your works is to see a glimpse of you.  I wonder as I gaze at the vast blue sky if it is the color of your eyes or the red clay is the hue of your skin.  I wonder more so if you even have a shape that can be comprehended or if you are as fluid as the ocean's waves.  Father, if this creation.. this stunning, breathtaking scene was inspired by your beautiful mind and molded by the words from your lips, how striking must you be?

Prayer is like reading old love letters.. you still get goosebumps and long to draw closer in your affection.  I would recommend re-reading things.. it brings everything into perspective.. but for now, just marvel at God's majesty.. it will blow your mind.

Continuation.

Yesterday, I was driving the long and winding highway between Cheyenne and Torrington and allowing my mind to wander a similar path. Thoughts of all of the things that have impacted me in the past year, learning that I'm growing up and often knowing that I'm growing apart.. apart from the world I once knew and all of the people I have ever loved. These things require care, they require time, patience and most of all, love. Leaving Cheyenne for Boston in a few weeks will not mark the end of anything here.. nothing at all. It's a continuation.. there is no end to friendship.. no end to family.. no end to love. Life has moments when you fast forward, pause, rewind, and even stop occasionally.. but only for a brief second before pushing start again.. God has made it very evident to me that I will be back one day, Colorado to be exact, so my promises are sure but God has so much to do in my heart while I am out east.

It all started over again.. a moment in my life where I pushed the slow motion button and allowed myself to simply coast. It was in the car.. the same road separating me from two destinations that I re-united with my Father. What is it about cars, ha? It is such a freeing feeling when you know you are audibly conversing with God.. I know He wasn't answering aloud but I was free to talk as loud as I wanted. We talked about life, about love, about truth and it was mind blowing. I always know that He is there but it's that exact moment the rain hits after a long drought that makes it that much more tangible and heart warming.. It was beautiful. God is beautiful.

Empty.

A string of events have left me feeling rather empty and my heart is crying out to God.  I understand that this was needed so that I would return to my true love, Christ, but it still doesn't dull the pain..

God is so beautiful and I know that He is holding me in His arms as my mind wanders the paths of the past, the present and the future.  This year, my heart will require mending and growth and the only source of these is Christ Himself.  I am so thankful for this love that is so unfathomable, God, I'm ready to begin again with you.

Meteor.

I have often wondered why God created so many majestic and beautiful things.. but the answer has been made quite simple to me by the Creator Himself, "I've created all these things for you to enjoy."  That very sentence floods my mind with the enormity of His unfathomable love and care He places on our lives.  Whenever I see a blade of grass covered in dew, the sunset painted with hues of orange and red, the mighty waves of the ocean, leaves dancing on the wind, meteors lighting up the night sky or a field dotted with multi-colored wildflowers, I have to stop, marvel and smile knowing that God's love is unending, it's unfailing, it's forever.  This is the God we serve.. a God that knew we would enjoy all of the things He molded in His hands and He sowed blessing upon blessing into the earth itself.  Creation is like a love note that has been preserved, re-read over and over again and still conveys the heart of our first true love, the Father.  Creation is timeless. 

Hike.

Sometimes I just get the urge to proclaim how amazing the God we serve is.  It doesn't matter the season, the day, my emotions or the events of the world.. God overcomes them all and I am always reminded of His majesty.  Tonight, a couple of friends and I made the drive up to Vedauwoo to find God in a new way.   We decided to go off a beaten road and hike up to the top of the rocks and read some Scripture.  Not only were we growing together helping one another conquer the hike, but we were also growing closer to God and remembering that our relationship with Him is often like a hike.  On the way up, you think a hundred times, "I can't do this, I can't jump from there," but then a friend is always there to hold your hand and help you to the next peak.  After saying those things over and over and finally reaching the very top of the hike, you can truly stop, take a breath and marvel at the beauty of God's creation.. at the path He took you on and how much you grew along the way.  Watching the sunset, while laughing and talking about going out on new adventures, the six of us formed a new bond and enjoyed every moment of it.  There is nothing like having friends that have a passion for God and are willing to go to the ends of the earth to find Him.  I love those girls with all of my heart and I can't wait to see what God does in their lives.

Silence.

Why is it that the words that we speak can never mirror the thoughts we have or echo the rhythm of our hearts?  Writing is a beautiful language but it somehow cannot articulate the intricacies of our emotions.. it always falls short of fulfilling the effect that a tear has, or a laugh, or even a smile.  Why do we feel so connected by language when events tell us that words often tear us apart?  If we sat in the silence and simply watched a person act and react, we would understand the depths of their being to an elevated level without uttering a single word.  Maybe that is what I am missing out on in my relationship with Christ.  I always seem to think that I need to fill the air with a word or a prayer but I never allow myself to just bask in his glory and enjoy the silence.  Perhaps that's my goal for the week.. spending time with Christ and waiting for his emotions to permeate the silence.

We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness.  God is the friend of silence.  See how nature-- trees, flowers, grass-- grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence... We need silence to be able to touch souls.

--Mother Teresa

House.

Last night, a couple of friends and I rented the movie House by Ted Dekker and Frank Peretti.  At first it seemed slightly cheesy, but I am a horror-film connoisseur, and seemed to develop much like every other thriller I have seen.  However, as it progressed I began to get chills.. the story is completely relevant and refers to the struggle that every human being encounters: the destructive nature of sin and the pull of guilt and shame on our lives.

We've all been through it.. the thought in our mind that "I'm not good enough, I've done too many horrible things and God could never love me."  But the truth is, God is not circumstantial.  He is never surprised by what we do and always has an outstretched hand to offer love and encouragement.  Whether we smoked pot a few times in our life, lied to our parents, stole a candy bar, or killed a man, God looks at us with the same compassion and showers grace upon us.   We will, also, never be able to understand this aspect of God.  Human nature hinges on justice and fairness.. we rely completely on "an eye for eye, tooth for a tooth" mentality.  But that is the BEAUTY of our relationship with the Father!  If there were no separation between the internal workings of God and man, there would be no salvation, no grace, no need for God.

"And I pray that you and all God's holy people will have the power to understand the greatness of Christ's love-- how wide and how long and how high and how deep that love is.  Christ's love is greater than anyone can ever know, but I pray that you will be able to know that love.  Then you can be filled with the fullness of God.  With God's power working in us, God can do much, much more than anything we can ask or imagine."

--Ephesians 3:18-20

Follow.

Stepping foot on the ever-familiar Colorado soil brought back a whirlwind of emotions and memories, some I wasn't ready to face, others bringing a smile and sense of joy to my heart.  Whatever the case, I loaded my suitcase into the back of Megan's Blazer and hit the road to Cheyenne where new adventures and old friends awaited.

A new house..

a new vibe..

a new understanding of my calling.

Knowing that this state is only temporary was a hard adjustment and truly witnessing with my own eyes that the world did indeed continue to go on without me was a little hard to take. . how could I let these relationships go so unattended?  All of a sudden, nothing was familiar, nothing was the way it had seemed before, and I began to feel as if my image had been cut haphazardly from the page where it belonged and mindlessly taped into a story where it didn't quite fit.

I love Cheyenne.

I love my caring, humorous family.

I love my supportive, life-giving friends..

but most of all I love Jesus.

I was reading out of the book of Matthew yesterday and I had a new understanding of Jesus' presence of majesty.  While walking along the shore, Jesus saw Peter and Andrew fishing and simply told them to follow.  This is what gets me, "They didn't ask questions but simply dropped their nets and followed."  The same thing happened when Jesus passed James and John.. "Jesus made the same offer to them, and they were just as quick to follow, abandoning father and boat."

These guys had a faith that blows my mind.. they dropped fishing.. they dropped their very livelihood and source of existence to follow Jesus not even knowing exactly what it would look like.  For James and John, it even meant leaving their father behind.  Then I had the realization that this is my moment, this is the time when Jesus is standing on my doorstep saying, "follow me," and it's my turn to drop the familiar and follow his lead.  This means leaving behind Cheyenne, my family, my friends, my church and the safety that these all bring.  I don't really know exactly what this fall will look like or how long my time in Boston is for.. but I know that I am being invited by my loving and providing Father to step out in faith and follow.

So here I am..

standing on the doorstep..

and I'm about to follow.