Finding Value.

Our speaker challenged us to write down our values today and I found it a rather daunting task.  How do you verbalize the very things that make up your being, and even if you can, can you justify them by living them out?  Kirstie and I had a long conversation about it over a cup of coffee and I've come to the conclusion that I have a lot of underlying issues left to sort out before I can be confident in who I am as an individual.  It's been a turbulent time of branching away from what I've been spoon fed my whole life and allowing myself to delve deep into my soul and find what makes my heart beat.  In a nutshell, here are a few of the things that I hope I embody.. and overtime, I hope to gain more and refine my core.

Harmony- I strive to bring individuals of all backgrounds to a peaceful unity and common ground in all situations.

Relationships- Harmony is impossible to achieve without realizing the need of deep, genuine roots in others.

Individual- I take notice and respect that all individuals are unique in their way of thinking, acting and presenting themselves.

Compassion- I put others' needs above my own and take care to be an outlet of love, servanthood and understanding.

Genuineness- My actions and words are intentional and come from my character and heart given to me by the Father.

Impact- Embodying character, manner and actions to spark loving change in the lives of those around me.

Responsibility- Realizing my tangible role in situations as well as taking time to assess others' roles as well.

Honesty- Conveying truth and accountability in my speech and mannerisms.

I've got a long way left to go.

A Sweet Idea..

God has really been working in my heart and I'm starting to realize that things I enjoy the most were put in my heart for a reason.  I've always loved baking.. it's what I do when I'm upset, mad, happy, joyful, excited (you name it) but I never thought of it as more than a hobby.  As I've been at DTS, one of the things I've enjoyed the most is cooking and baking for my YWAM family.  Whenever I have free time, I'm dreaming of things to bake and wishing I was in the kitchen.  So God started to spark a dream in my mind.  Here it is:

A bakery.  So it's a chill hangout/coffee shop with pastries, lattes, sandwiches, etc. where people can come to converse, relax, read or just run in and out.  But after hours, all of the remaining goods go to homeless shelters and needy families.  However, I don't want to just drop them off, it would be more of a ministry of providing a need and showing God's love at the same time.  I want to get to know these families; every individual has an amazing story and my favorite way to start a conversation is over food.  We all have a unique connection to it and I love to bake for other people, something inside me just overflows with joy when I get to cook for others.

I'm so stoked.  I've been doing intercessory prayer about this bakery and God's revealing a lot of things to me about what he wants it to be.  I think this is it..

Sleepless Nights

Don't you hate it when you know you are tired.. but you can't sleep at all?  That's how I've been for the past week.  I am so beat but when my head hits the pillow, I'm wide awake and my mind wanders, thus spiraling me into an even more sleep-deprived state.  I try to force my eyes close so that I can sneak in a few moments of rest, but it doesn't seem to work.  I've got to find a way around this so that I can be productive!  I even go to sleep far before curfew and I still am not asleep by the time 11 rolls around.. and then 1 passes, and 2, and 3 and so on until my alarm goes off.  It's not refreshing in the least.

Any suggestions from people that may have similar problems? Ha. I'm desperate.

Of three things, I'm sure

I've found a few things out about myself and I'd say that they are pretty crucial..

1) I have a servant heart-- I want to be doing something all the time.. I want to bake for people, cook for people, take someone out for coffee, watch someone's kids, work (I know that sounds crazy but I love it), love on people!  And I'm restless here because I feel like I have so much going on that that gets pushed to the side.

2) Evangelism isn't one of my gifts from God-- Although we are all called to tell others about our faith in Christ, God has really shown me that He wants me to reveal that to others through actions, not words.  (Hence the servant heart)

3) I want to know more about God-- 100% and I get so distracted here because I'm always in lecture, arts classes, work duties etc.  I need a relationship with Him and I don't find that through the classes, I need so much more one on one time and sometimes I feel like He's on the back burner when in all reality, He's the whole reason I'm here.

I need to hash these things out.. And writing them down is the best way for me.  So God and I have a lot to talk about.. Love you guys.

The Beating of my Heart

The ways of the heart are so complex and perplexing that I can't even fathom the slightest meaning behind even a single beat.

As I've found hundreds of miles away from home and all that I've known, my heart aches for the people and places it once knew.  Love is so intricate and I can see that I truly loved (and still do) many things about my past surroundings.. and I'm longing to be submerged in the emotions of "home" once again.  This is an incredible journey and I've grown far more than I could have ever anticipated but something is missing.. something so meaningful that it hurts with every beat of my heart to know that I am away.  People.  Family, friends, everyone.

God has definitely revealed the importance of family to me over this time and I must say that I can't wait to get home and have my mama's home cookin', play Nerts with Megan and Brook, and breakfast burritos at R&B with my dad.  Not to mention, putting on a front that I am annoyed by my golden retriever Jackson when I really adore him.  And the friends, oh the friends.. bumpin' and thuggin' it with Anna and Steven, coffee and board games with Bry and Trish, all-nighters at the Waffle House with Morgan, messing up signs and eating Mexican food with Courtney, Paige, Allie, Jasmine, and Tina.. wow, just a lot of things.  Small comforts and loves that I miss so much more than I would have ever thought.  I was so ready to get out, so ready to spread my wings, and now that I've flown, I'm ready to be back.  I still have dreams.. a lot of dreams.. like going to Africa, starting a ministry of lovin' on people in Atlanta with Sav and Amber, and opening a bakery and donating almost all of it to the homeless and kids.. but I've still got so much to do and so many people to bring with me to such events.

Besides, I still have an amazing 5 months ahead of me in which to enjoy and grow in the relationships with all of the awe-inspiring people of God at DTS and outreach.  Wow.. it's going to fly by.

60 Days Down.

Last night we celebrated our two month anniversary with a sweet, little dessert party.  We had mini strawberry shortcake, chocolate chip cookies, Dunkin' Munchkins, French and Italian pastries, brownies, chocolate peanut butter cupcakes, and popcorn (you gotta have a little salt).  It was delicious and I love that we get together and eat.. ha, that's definitely one way we bond best.  And of course, it wouldn't be a Creative Worship DTS gathering without a photo shoot.. so we threw one in for fun :]  

We've all grown so close, so much that I feel as if I've known my team for years, not just two months.  It's crazy to think that we only have five more months together and I'm certain that time will fly.  We'll be on outreach before we know it and soon after Joshua Generation will follow and then grad.  What a whirlwind.

UnReal.

Last night was a very different outreach experience than the prayer station at Copley Square.  Since we are learning about value and our worth in Christ, Brenda Lewis asked us to take a survey to the streets and get a glimpse of the general population's worldview.  The survey was made up of three seemingly simple questions:

1.  Are humans more valuable than an inanimate object (e.g. table, lamppost, piece of paper)?

yes, no, or equal

2.  Are humans more valuable than an animate object (animals)?

yes, no, or equal

3.  In your opinion, from what do humans derive their worth?

For our entire group, the answers came quickly and naturally.  First of all, of course humans are more important than a table.. need I say more?  Secondly, humans are more important than animals.  Case in point, if a puppy and a baby were stranded in the street with a car quickly approaching and you only had time to rescue one, which would you save?  I love puppies, but I would hands down save the baby.  Finally, we all decided that we derive our worth or value from Christ.

However, on the streets we got some interesting answers.  Mind you, we were at Harvard Square so this could have something to do with the replies, but nevertheless, they were still... rather absurd.  Many people decided that we have equal or less value than INANIMATE objects.  Meaning, a table and a person have the same contribution to society.  Furthermore, a few people actually said they would save the puppy, not the baby.  As far as the question on worth goes, many people said it had to do with greed, wealth, good works, etc.

These are startling answers because most people that answer in that matter feel that they have absolutely no value in this world, no worth or significance whatsoever.  This gives me even more of a passion to tell them about Christ, everyone has value.

Forever perplexed.

Lovin' It.

We have an outstanding teacher this week.  Her name is Brenda Lewis and she's asking us to question all of the things we have viewed as truth.  There is only one truth, and that is Jesus and all other truths branch off of Him.  It was so liberating to sit there and say, "Why do I agree with that?"  "Why do I follow that rule?"  "Why do I worship in that way?"  

One thing that really struck me was when Brenda said, "We're religious and we don't even know it."  We need to move away from the traditions of the "church" and live the way Christ lived.. instead of getting caught up in church politics, we should be out on the streets loving on people the way He did.  After all, we ARE the church.. correct?  But we've got it in our heads that the church is a building and a place we go once a week to get our fix.

Now ponder this.. what if we didn't go to church?  What if we just lived out the principles of the Bible and went out and DID something?  I'm not saying abandon the church and the people that attend it, but we get our heads filled with all of these amazing ideas, prospects, teachings, etc. and what do we do with them?  We let them mill around in our heads and quickly out our ears and we sit back and don't do a thing.  Sure, we nod our heads and think, "Wow, that's exactly what I need to do," but when reality sets in, we do absolutely nothing.

Jesus was out there.  Trent Shepherd has been speaking to us on Thursdays and he's challenging us just as much as Brenda.  Who was Jesus as a person, not a God?  You see, we have no problem with referring to Him as an all-knowing being in the sky but Jesus was just as much of a person as He is God.  Jesus had radical views and He had the most amazing guidance and teaching of all, the teaching that came directly from His Father in Heaven and what did He do with that information?  Did He sit back and say, "Yeah God, that's some awesome stuff but I'm a little too busy to apply it.  Besides, what does it have to do with me anyway?"  If He did, we would have NO hope in life.  He took the information, it soaked in, permeated His being and He went out and told everyone of His Father!  Now you may be thinking, "I'm not Jesus, so it's not my job" but that's a lie.  We were called to take the Good News to the ends of the earth and I don't know about you, but I plan on obeying that call.

I am completely fired up right now, and it's stellar.  It's so freeing to have something to care about!

Family

Last night was rather strange seeing as half of my team went to lead worship at a youth group, leaving the other half of us to chill at the base.  It made me realize how thankful I am to be a part of such an amazing group of people.  Everyone is here for a reason.. reasons that a lot of us haven't found yet, and when half are missing you see the incredible dynamic we all have together.  Every person here has something different to bring to the team, a different personality, different way of thinking, different way of even dressing and we fit together perfectly.  This includes staff as well, with half gone, it just didn't feel like the real YWAM Boston team.. It didn't feel like the YWAM family. =]

On the other hand, it was great to bond with Heidy, Joanna, Sarah, Jessica, Amber, Matt and Joe back at the base.  We had so much fun practicing our dances for outreach, laughing, and just being crazy.  Trust me, when we all start the dancin', there's no stoppin' us.

Afterward, I got to spend some one on one time with one of my housemates, Amber.  I love getting to know people on a more personal level and we did exactly that over Starbucks frappuccinos.. which is quite a luxury nowadays.  It's so incredible to see someone's heart and to hear all of the things on their mind.. all of us are growing so close and I wouldn't trade it in for the world.  I can't wait for the coming months and for outreach.  God is doing incredible things.

Empty

How is it that I am constantly surrounded by people yet I feel so alone?

I am so empty.. I am completely drained.  When will I be filled up again?  A series of events have left me in this state and I can't even begin to describe the way I am feeling.  I am tired.. I've got to get over it and focus but for some reason I can't come to grips with it all.

With Everything.

Break down our pride

And all the walls we've built up inside

Our earthly crowns and all our desires

We lay at Your feet

With everything

With everything

We will shout for Your glory

With everything

With everything

We will shout forth Your praise

Everything.  That is key.  For so long, I've held things back. Held them back from God, back from my family, my friends... everyone.  Now, everything is spilling out and everything that I have, all that I am, is being surrendered to God.  It's a painful process, but a good one at that.  I know that the end is greater than anything I could ever imagine.  God planned my life before I was even born, He planned all the things I would do, all the places I would go, the people I'd love, He knows it all.  So why am I afraid to let things go?  I am afraid of the unfamiliar, the uncomfortable.. I am afraid that if I don't have a plan for EVERYTHING that it will all fall apart.  But God is breaking me of that and it's extremely liberating.  I serve a God that does not judge, that does not turn me away.. My God is loving, compassionate, powerful, and so much more than I could ever describe. He holds me when I'm scared and lifts me up when I rejoice, He's everywhere.. always in my heart, my thoughts, and the very depths of my soul.

I am loving every second I spend with Him, every word He gives me, and every vision that He plants in my mind God has a purpose for all things and it's been amazing to see the things He has promised come to pass.  I'm so thankful to have such an amazing Father, friend, Savior, and all other names that could be devised for Him.  God is, hands down, the most amazing 'person' I have ever met..  Its so personal to have a relationship with Him, not to just read about Him in the Bible or cower under his enormity.  But to have a real friendship and understanding with Him.

Forever in love and awe.

wondering where to go.. yet halfway knowing

Africa. I'm going to volunteer for a year in Africa; I know it's what I'm supposed to do. God has made it very clear that Africa is a place for me and I've found quite a few amazing organizations and orphanages to volunteer at but now it's up to prayer. Inspire Kenya has opportunities to work with abandoned babies in Kenya and orphans in Mombasa. Another Hope is looking for individuals to work in a school for community and abandoned children in Uganda. TLC focuses on caring for abandoned babies and providing loving homes for children in South Africa..

So God and I have a lot to sort out.. but I'm committed to going there someday. I'm just not sure on what God's timing is, but I have a feeling its sooner rather than later.

Prayer is so important. Now and forever.