To stand in awe...

awe n. 1 a mixed feeling of reverence, fear, and wonder, caused by something majestic, sublime, sacred, etc. to stand (or be) in awe of to respect and fear


What a feeling it is to be in awe. The past few weeks have left me hanging in somewhat of a stupor, what with all the planning and tying up lose ends just trying to ready myself for the intense journey I'll be on. However, my time of apathetic frenzy has allowed me to put my life into perspective, and for that, I am very thankful. And to be quite honest, I am scared out of my mind.

I suppose I should give you the background of my life.. the "how I got here" segment because I believe that without my past, without recounting the events that hurt, mortified, enlightened etc. my mindset and being, the present is simply an illusion. I know that it is definitely cliche', but I don't regret anything in my past.. and I refuse to reject the person I "used to be" for their is still a glimmer of that person in all that I do.

I was raised in a Christian home, with two loving parents, a sister, and always, always a pet. My childhood was quite enjoyable. Each Sunday we went to church and I got dropped off at Sunday School. For the most part, I liked church. I liked singing songs, doing crafts, and eating snack; but Jesus was just a guy in the picture books they read to us. But I went along with the fun and the next step of the church scene was to get "saved," not that I really knew what I was doing, that was just what you did at church. So there I was, seven years old and saved. Pretty amazing, right?

Wrong. I had no clue what commitment I had made and it honestly didn't mean anything to me. I kept going to church but eventually quit going to Sunday School and as the years passed, I didn't get involved with the youth group or any bible studies. Let me explain small town politics, I'm sure if you live in one, you will understand exactly what I am saying. Everyone knows everything about everybody and if they hear something "bad" about you, you're out of the circle, an outsider. I tried out youth group and I just stood in the corner and watched as they looked me up and down and laughed or pointed. Most of the girls that went to youth group went to small country schools and already had their little cliques with no room for one more. It was then that I got a perception of Christians that was hard to reverse. To me, they were stuck-up, inconsiderate and hypocritical and I had no desire to be apart of that. Gradually, I even let go of going to church, seeing as I was now in high school and was starting to make my own choices.

So there I was, a Christian turned un-Christian and not quite sure what to do with myself. I'll paint you a picture of myself my freshman and sophomore years of high school: black hair and an even darker soul, salty as a sailor when it came to my extensive vocabulary, and an even less than depressing disposition. I was a girl that people avoided but that didn't get me down. I had my group, my posse, the girls that listened to "slit your wrist music" and quite literally followed the example. I was miserable, but somehow happy to live that way. Then my world was turned upside down and I fell into an even darker pit with no means to get out.

My sophomore year of high school, we moved to Cheyenne, population 54,000 (nine times larger than Sidney) and I was enrolled at East High School. The school had over 1,500 students and my class alone started at 476 students, much different than my entire school of 390. On my first day of school, I just sat on a bench, just watching the students fly by me. I was so alone, it was ridiculous. I could have fell down dead in the middle of the hallway and still have no one notice me. I was terrified, scared to death of being alone. But then a boy took interest in me and that all changed. Although we only dated for under three months, I was hooked. He was the only person I hung out with for that whole time and I neglected finding friends because I was so into him, seeing as he was my first boyfriend. We did a lot of things I'm not proud of. Parties, being one of them. I remember being shocked when I walked into a house where people were snorting cocaine off a coffee table and getting high in the kitchen, I had never seen anything like that coming from a small town. But I kept quiet and continued to bounce from party to party, sometimes partaking in the events.

When our relationship ended, I fell off the deep end. Once again, I was alone. I had no friends at school and the only people who could consul me lived 100 miles away. I was depressed, afraid, and indifferent about the world. I cried, a lot. I had never been so miserable. I would take being angry at the world over the feelings I had then. I hated school, I hated Cheyenne.. and I even hated my family and that's what hurt me the most. I had never been close to my family. I would always take hanging out with my friends over going to family gatherings and now I needed them more than ever but I couldn't talk to them. I couldn't tell them what was going on or how I was feeling and that was terrifying. So I went on that way for quite some time, always taking more and more risks and not really caring, afterall, I had nothing to lose.

The next few years were a blur. I cleaned up a bit from my mania and floated through school eventually finding a few friends to spend my time with. It was good to laugh again, to find a smile. It was during that time that I took a job at the Boys & Girls Club and that's where I learned to live again. For me, it was so refreshing to work with kids and find that they are virtually drama free. They love life and they rarely ever let things get them down. They taught me how to breathe again, to enjoy the small things of life and take it easy. I opened so much as a person, I was more outgoing and was able to gain more friends because of it. My life was starting to turn around and I was becoming eager for the future. I was ready to trade in my crappy high school experience for the real world.

By the beginning of my senior year, I was content with the way things had turned out but I knew there was something missing.. I just wasn't sure what. In November, my mom asked if I wanted to try out a new church; by this point I hadn't attended church by own will for years, but I didn't think it would hurt to just tag along.

They met in a movie theatre.
The music was loud.
The message compelling.

I don't really remember what the sermon was about that day, I just remember saying "that's me, and I need to change." I had needed that for so long. I had needed someone to point out my flaws and tell me it was ok. I was amazed when they said that God would love me even after all the horrible things I had done and I was ready to change my life once again. I decided to recommit my life and tried to redeem myself of my perception of Christians. For me, that had to start with youth group, the place where the alienation began. Oh, how I was wrong. For starters, Heather and Curtis Marshall, the leaders, are two of the most caring and loving people I have ever met. Each week, they opened their house to the youth of church and taught me how to be a humble Christian. Without them, I would not be heading in the direction that I am now and I am so thankful for their family. It was through youth group that I also met some of the best friends I have ever had, friends that I will have for the rest of my life.

As the months went on, I tried to pursue Christ with all of my being, but continued to fail and look back at my old life. I didn't want to go back to that place so I kept going headstrong, knowing that I couldn't give up. It wasn't until Desperation, a youth and college age conferece, in July of 2008 that I really knew what God could do for me. I had always heard people talk about how they could feel the prescence of Him but I thought they were crazy! But at Desperation, I finally knew what they were talking about. It was at that point that I knew, "He's real!" That's when I started to stand in awe of the Lord and I let Him lead me to Youth With a Mission and I knew that was what I was supposed to do. So after many arguments with my parents, backing out of college, and lining up two jobs, it was time to apply.

I waited, and waited, and waited for a reply, growing more and more hopeless as the months passed.

Finally, in November, I received a rather large packet from YWAM Boston stating I was in. That's when the true fear began. I'm still getting used to the Christian scene.. I don't know my Bible.. I don't understand it.. but what I do understand is that God called me to do this. So compared to the other students, I may be a little behind but that's what I'm going for. When God tells you to do something, you do it and He doesn't judge me because I can't name all the books of the Bible, He is loving and patient.

So here I am.. nine days out, excited but terrified. I know that God will be with me each step of the way along with the support and prayers of all my family and friends. There's no looking back, I'm in desperate pursuit of Christ and equally as desperate to show Christ to others who are just like me. I can't praise God enough for helping me out the darkness.

So blessings to you, and thank you for your support.. I can't do this without you.