depravity.

for weeks I have been deprived of sleep, the very essence of action and life.

without energy to keep my eyes open, i see the world with a new perspective.. and a heart that mimics Christ's beats to provide the rhythm to a new day.  in my depravity, i find that i am nearer my intended design.  instead of yearning for sleep, i yearn for Christ.  he is my source.  my beginning and my end.  my everything. the weight of my eyes mirrors the weight of my affection.  i am a being that craves love.  and the heart of the father.  compassion is my core, i have been created to seek perfection, though never obtaining it.. knowing that it is enough to brush the robe of the one who calls me his beloved.  he is my perfection.  and i am in a perpetual dream state.  heaven beckons and my eternity lingers near.  the time is right.  the place is fitting.  to seek the one true love and call him home, into the heart that is rightfully his.

All I want.

All I want is to know God.

To really press in and stay there.

To drown in the ocean of His relentless love..

until all else fades into the background.

For without God, where will my love come from?

Where will I find the capacity to have compassion?

Where will I find life, meaning, value?

And who will I love?

He is the reason I live.

He is the reason I dance..

the reason I sing

and have truth.

But overall, He's the reason I know love..

and the reason I know how to love.

This is where I wish to stay.

This moment is sheer bliss.  When He is so present that everything else seems to melt away into a fictitious overlay that barely brushes the surface of reality.  This is where I wish to stay.. the sun warming the earth and my thoughts as I am so lovingly revealed the concealed nature of the One who knit me so flawlessly.  This is where I wish to stay.  Where my world is aligned with the rhythm of the vivacious heart of the Father and I am allowed to breathe deep of the truth.  This is where I wish to stay.  But today I will place this moment in a locket to wear around my neck, nearest my heart.  For He is always with me, and there I will forever stay.

Storm.

Where do we go from here?  All of these years have been welling up to break through in a storm.  Emotions too strong to be contained, a heart beating uncontrollably.  Where is my God, I used to wonder.. abandon was a word I used to describe Him.  But I didn't know Him.. and I still don't.  Each day I question His love and seclude Him to my selfish, inconsistent thoughts.. Today I'm an orphan, left alone to fend for myself.. screaming out to be saved by a Father who never wanted me.  My throat runs dry and my eyes can cry no more.

Who is my Father?

Who am I to dictate who my God is?  It's my fallen soul that screams out lies and drowns the truth with its ugly shrieks.

Who is my Father?

My Father is true.  He is love in the purest form and will never leave me.  He has saved me countless times, shielded and protected me from the afflictions of the Enemy.  He has lifted me up, poured purity into my heart, and set my soul free.  My heart beats for Him alone and I will keep pressing forward and learning to fight alongside Him.  He goes before me, sending angels, preparing the way and keeping my path safe.  He is a promise, truth, and life in the fullest.  Who would push away a Father like Him?  Who could ever question His character?  He is knocking, always knocking but it's a choice to let Him in.

Today I choose to let go of my orphan mentality and hold tight to the truth that my Father is near, holding me in His arms and comforting me from the storm.

Behold, I stand at the door and knock.  If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in.       Revelation 3:20

Love Letter.

Imagine pouring your entire being into a love letter that will be read, disregarded and disposed of.  Your heart beats to express the love that it contains, knowing that it is a risk to convey the words but risking is half of the reward and the battle entirely.  For if you are loved, it will be returned in ten fold.. but if you are denied, your vulnerability will be put on display and you may be broken for an eternity.

Now can you apply this when it comes to God?

This is precisely what the Bible is.. a raw and beautiful account of a love so forceful and amazing.. so pure and awe-inspiring.  God poured out His unending passion for all; we have heard, we have read, we have disregarded.  The pain that Christ experienced on the cross is a parallel and outward expression of the turmoil the heart of the Father was enduring at our blatant ignorance and pride.  I cannot even begin to fathom the deep pain of rejection Christ endured to set our relationship with God anew.. to pour it all out for a society that never wanted Him.  Would I be able to love if I knew I wouldn't be loved back?

His love is so pure, so real and I am blessed in ways unimaginable. Christ is the lover of my soul and knows me to my depths.  Have you experienced that love?

Come close listen to the story
about a love more faithful than the morning
The Father gave his only Son just to save us

The earth was shaking in the dark
All creation felt the Fathers broken heart
tears were filling heaven's eyes
The day that true love died, the day that true love died
When blood and water hit the ground
Walls we couldn’t move came crashing down
We were free and made alive
The day that true love died, The day that true love died

Search your heart you know you can’t deny it
Come on, lose your life just so you can find it
The Father gave his only son just to save us

Phil Wickham- True Love

All as it should be.

Experiencing a moment in time when all is as it should be.. when I am kneeling at the feet of my Father, allowing all of my sin to be stripped away and healed by His grace.  When time seems to stand still and I am no longer a soul blind to His majesty but included in divine relationship and encouraged to soar.  That's when a heart will be set free.. free to love, free to live, free to find identity.

Right.

Anticipation builds, waiting is pivotal.. God speaks in a way I wasn't expecting, yet knowing it is my fate.  Outreach.

A country that I have thought of frequently yet never seen myself serving in.  My heart nearly beat out of my chest when they called my name.. I knew at that point that it was right.. His decisions are true.  After praying, I was convinced.

It's going to be a battle.. I will protect you.  Be careful, but go.  I am calling you to be a warrior.

Speaking the truth I had unearthed in God's words and promises to my school leaders, they confirmed that these were exact words they had received in praying for me and my location.  God is taking me to a battle.. a time of growth.  I will need strength, perfected in Him.

Explore its depths and discover a culture and people in need of love and truth.

Butterfly Effect.

Today, we all walked into corporate worship and intercession expecting to meet God and lift up our praises.  Although God honored both of these in mighty ways, He also freed us from the chains of self-consciousness and embarrassment.  The room exploded in movement.. many saw images of waves taking over the ballroom and stirring up all present, carrying us to be liberated to praise.  I saw a butterfly, breaking free from its cocoon and taking flight for the first time.  The room erupted with new expressions of worship.. a prayer chain dancing and intertwining through the crowds, all forms of dance, drumming, screaming, shouting, singing.. vibrance in the fullest.  God freed us from many, many things to allow us to come like a child and wrap our arms around His leg, looking up at our loving Father.  It was beautiful.  I am, for the most part, speechless.. but I had to convey this in words to remember the validity of this moment.  The moment we were set apart to praise our Lord with no inhibitions.. marking a magnificent journey to the feet of His throne.  I am in awe.

Childlike faith has returned.

Beginning.

So here I sit, typing this in my new room at YWAM Strategic Frontiers in Colorado Springs and I am totally at peace.  More than peace, I am full of joy and life.. today my roommates and I jammed for hours with piano, guitar and our voices lifted to God, danced around the room.. no holding back and spoke into one another's souls.  This season is going to be rejuvenating and I am looking forward to all that God has in store.

Commemorate.

Allow me to commemorate the first of September with my thoughts.

Decisions are where we get trapped.. if we were to allow Jesus to flow, there would be no confusion and incomprehensible decisions would be a dream of the past.

That is all.

Pull.

What is it that pulls me to life..  what I'm getting at is what is it that starts the action and cultivates a reaction in my life?  

As I was sitting, replaying the events of my life, a strange concept hit me with full force.  When conviction numbs you to your core, you take notice.  I am about to embark on a journey.. to where, I have not the faintest idea but God brought up a question.  "What made your last journey?  Was it me?  Or was it something else?"  When it comes down to it, did I really cling to God for all that I was yearning for or was I relying on others as my go to?  I am confident that much of what took place was done with the Lord's strength but it made me question whether I am looking to rely on others once more.  I need a challenge.  I need new settings.  Maybe I need to be "new" again to be back in the state where God is the focus, as life should always be.  This cannot be done any longer, I can't base my faith and my relationship with the Father off of what someone else believes, what do I believe?  I have been tested in my personal faith, but it is no where near solidified.  I want God, and I want all of Him.. I want to test the depths of His love and find my adventure and source in Him.  I am now twenty years old and an adult.. how did I ever reach this state without understanding it's responsibilities?  It's my turn to seek God.. He is always there waiting but what have I done lately to pursue Him?  

This heart is aching for truth, for understanding, for love.. and the source of course is Christ.  That is my journey.  The destination is neither the end nor the answer.  Whether God leads me to the ends of the earth or right next door, my heart is hungry for Him alone.  He will lead me to the right surroundings, the right people, and the right life to strengthen my pursuit.

Come be the fire inside of me
Come be the flame upon my heart
Come be the fire inside of me
Until You and I are one

-Misty Edwards

Faith.

Being home has been absolutely amazing and well-needed.  There have been days where I have said, "There's no way I'm going back to Boston.. I love my friends and family too much to leave," but God continues to remind me of His promises.  This fall will be what I make of it.  I'm going to give it my all, never skip a beat, and bask in the glory of Christ and my relationship with Him.  I am confident that God is going to rock my faith again and challenge me to be uncomfortable so He can work more in my life.. that's alright by me.  

Sometimes I think that's why He called me so far away from home.. I can't just get in my car and drive to see my parents when I'm having a hard time or go knocking on my best friend's door when I need help.  This enables God to be the center.. to be essential where he should be 100% of the time.  He is my Father and if we look at it in terms of eternity, He's really the only one that will always be there for me.  This is not to say that I won't miss all of you terribly.. because I will.  I want to keep in touch, keep up these relationships because they are so important to me.  I love all of you :]

Seeing the Bigger Picture.

Creation.

Something I uncovered while reading my journal.. something that reminded me of the awe-factor of God:

God, I adore being in nature.. I love the passing clouds, the warmth of the sun, and the cool dirt beneath my feet.  I love it all.  I think that I see you most when I'm surrounded by your creation.  Every time the wind rustles my hair and the sun kisses my skin, I know you are near.  The birds echo your praises and butterflies model your gentle majesty.  Lord, to see your works is to see a glimpse of you.  I wonder as I gaze at the vast blue sky if it is the color of your eyes or the red clay is the hue of your skin.  I wonder more so if you even have a shape that can be comprehended or if you are as fluid as the ocean's waves.  Father, if this creation.. this stunning, breathtaking scene was inspired by your beautiful mind and molded by the words from your lips, how striking must you be?

Prayer is like reading old love letters.. you still get goosebumps and long to draw closer in your affection.  I would recommend re-reading things.. it brings everything into perspective.. but for now, just marvel at God's majesty.. it will blow your mind.

Continuation.

Yesterday, I was driving the long and winding highway between Cheyenne and Torrington and allowing my mind to wander a similar path. Thoughts of all of the things that have impacted me in the past year, learning that I'm growing up and often knowing that I'm growing apart.. apart from the world I once knew and all of the people I have ever loved. These things require care, they require time, patience and most of all, love. Leaving Cheyenne for Boston in a few weeks will not mark the end of anything here.. nothing at all. It's a continuation.. there is no end to friendship.. no end to family.. no end to love. Life has moments when you fast forward, pause, rewind, and even stop occasionally.. but only for a brief second before pushing start again.. God has made it very evident to me that I will be back one day, Colorado to be exact, so my promises are sure but God has so much to do in my heart while I am out east.

It all started over again.. a moment in my life where I pushed the slow motion button and allowed myself to simply coast. It was in the car.. the same road separating me from two destinations that I re-united with my Father. What is it about cars, ha? It is such a freeing feeling when you know you are audibly conversing with God.. I know He wasn't answering aloud but I was free to talk as loud as I wanted. We talked about life, about love, about truth and it was mind blowing. I always know that He is there but it's that exact moment the rain hits after a long drought that makes it that much more tangible and heart warming.. It was beautiful. God is beautiful.

Empty.

A string of events have left me feeling rather empty and my heart is crying out to God.  I understand that this was needed so that I would return to my true love, Christ, but it still doesn't dull the pain..

God is so beautiful and I know that He is holding me in His arms as my mind wanders the paths of the past, the present and the future.  This year, my heart will require mending and growth and the only source of these is Christ Himself.  I am so thankful for this love that is so unfathomable, God, I'm ready to begin again with you.

Meteor.

I have often wondered why God created so many majestic and beautiful things.. but the answer has been made quite simple to me by the Creator Himself, "I've created all these things for you to enjoy."  That very sentence floods my mind with the enormity of His unfathomable love and care He places on our lives.  Whenever I see a blade of grass covered in dew, the sunset painted with hues of orange and red, the mighty waves of the ocean, leaves dancing on the wind, meteors lighting up the night sky or a field dotted with multi-colored wildflowers, I have to stop, marvel and smile knowing that God's love is unending, it's unfailing, it's forever.  This is the God we serve.. a God that knew we would enjoy all of the things He molded in His hands and He sowed blessing upon blessing into the earth itself.  Creation is like a love note that has been preserved, re-read over and over again and still conveys the heart of our first true love, the Father.  Creation is timeless. 

Hike.

Sometimes I just get the urge to proclaim how amazing the God we serve is.  It doesn't matter the season, the day, my emotions or the events of the world.. God overcomes them all and I am always reminded of His majesty.  Tonight, a couple of friends and I made the drive up to Vedauwoo to find God in a new way.   We decided to go off a beaten road and hike up to the top of the rocks and read some Scripture.  Not only were we growing together helping one another conquer the hike, but we were also growing closer to God and remembering that our relationship with Him is often like a hike.  On the way up, you think a hundred times, "I can't do this, I can't jump from there," but then a friend is always there to hold your hand and help you to the next peak.  After saying those things over and over and finally reaching the very top of the hike, you can truly stop, take a breath and marvel at the beauty of God's creation.. at the path He took you on and how much you grew along the way.  Watching the sunset, while laughing and talking about going out on new adventures, the six of us formed a new bond and enjoyed every moment of it.  There is nothing like having friends that have a passion for God and are willing to go to the ends of the earth to find Him.  I love those girls with all of my heart and I can't wait to see what God does in their lives.

Silence.

Why is it that the words that we speak can never mirror the thoughts we have or echo the rhythm of our hearts?  Writing is a beautiful language but it somehow cannot articulate the intricacies of our emotions.. it always falls short of fulfilling the effect that a tear has, or a laugh, or even a smile.  Why do we feel so connected by language when events tell us that words often tear us apart?  If we sat in the silence and simply watched a person act and react, we would understand the depths of their being to an elevated level without uttering a single word.  Maybe that is what I am missing out on in my relationship with Christ.  I always seem to think that I need to fill the air with a word or a prayer but I never allow myself to just bask in his glory and enjoy the silence.  Perhaps that's my goal for the week.. spending time with Christ and waiting for his emotions to permeate the silence.

We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness.  God is the friend of silence.  See how nature-- trees, flowers, grass-- grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence... We need silence to be able to touch souls.

--Mother Teresa

House.

Last night, a couple of friends and I rented the movie House by Ted Dekker and Frank Peretti.  At first it seemed slightly cheesy, but I am a horror-film connoisseur, and seemed to develop much like every other thriller I have seen.  However, as it progressed I began to get chills.. the story is completely relevant and refers to the struggle that every human being encounters: the destructive nature of sin and the pull of guilt and shame on our lives.

We've all been through it.. the thought in our mind that "I'm not good enough, I've done too many horrible things and God could never love me."  But the truth is, God is not circumstantial.  He is never surprised by what we do and always has an outstretched hand to offer love and encouragement.  Whether we smoked pot a few times in our life, lied to our parents, stole a candy bar, or killed a man, God looks at us with the same compassion and showers grace upon us.   We will, also, never be able to understand this aspect of God.  Human nature hinges on justice and fairness.. we rely completely on "an eye for eye, tooth for a tooth" mentality.  But that is the BEAUTY of our relationship with the Father!  If there were no separation between the internal workings of God and man, there would be no salvation, no grace, no need for God.

"And I pray that you and all God's holy people will have the power to understand the greatness of Christ's love-- how wide and how long and how high and how deep that love is.  Christ's love is greater than anyone can ever know, but I pray that you will be able to know that love.  Then you can be filled with the fullness of God.  With God's power working in us, God can do much, much more than anything we can ask or imagine."

--Ephesians 3:18-20

Follow.

Stepping foot on the ever-familiar Colorado soil brought back a whirlwind of emotions and memories, some I wasn't ready to face, others bringing a smile and sense of joy to my heart.  Whatever the case, I loaded my suitcase into the back of Megan's Blazer and hit the road to Cheyenne where new adventures and old friends awaited.

A new house..

a new vibe..

a new understanding of my calling.

Knowing that this state is only temporary was a hard adjustment and truly witnessing with my own eyes that the world did indeed continue to go on without me was a little hard to take. . how could I let these relationships go so unattended?  All of a sudden, nothing was familiar, nothing was the way it had seemed before, and I began to feel as if my image had been cut haphazardly from the page where it belonged and mindlessly taped into a story where it didn't quite fit.

I love Cheyenne.

I love my caring, humorous family.

I love my supportive, life-giving friends..

but most of all I love Jesus.

I was reading out of the book of Matthew yesterday and I had a new understanding of Jesus' presence of majesty.  While walking along the shore, Jesus saw Peter and Andrew fishing and simply told them to follow.  This is what gets me, "They didn't ask questions but simply dropped their nets and followed."  The same thing happened when Jesus passed James and John.. "Jesus made the same offer to them, and they were just as quick to follow, abandoning father and boat."

These guys had a faith that blows my mind.. they dropped fishing.. they dropped their very livelihood and source of existence to follow Jesus not even knowing exactly what it would look like.  For James and John, it even meant leaving their father behind.  Then I had the realization that this is my moment, this is the time when Jesus is standing on my doorstep saying, "follow me," and it's my turn to drop the familiar and follow his lead.  This means leaving behind Cheyenne, my family, my friends, my church and the safety that these all bring.  I don't really know exactly what this fall will look like or how long my time in Boston is for.. but I know that I am being invited by my loving and providing Father to step out in faith and follow.

So here I am..

standing on the doorstep..

and I'm about to follow.

Nostalgia.

I love the sense of nostalgia that I am currently engulfed in yet it floods my mind with things that I am not yet prepared to trade away.  Never to trade away forever, but moreso saying goodbye to wonderful memories of the past seven months in exchange for the future that has been laid before me.  The heart requires love to pulse through its veins in order to allow one to thrive.. and I feel that I have been loved and I can say I have equally loved.  I cannot remember a time when I have loved something more.  When you find the source of this affection in Christ, everything becomes more vibrant.. emotions, surroundings, senses, it all.  As I embark on this journey, the destination is the heart of it all.. the heart of the Father.. and the memories will only blossom more fervently in the process.

Love.

So I know that I am absolutely horrible at posting on here but I've found that other things in life are more valuable.  That is definitely something God has transformed in my life.. my need for material things.  It is so fleeting and I find it fitting that I played Material Girl in our street drama Doors, God had something huge planned in that. 

What is valuable then?

God.

God's creation.

God's people.

God's plans.

Simple.

I've been spending a lot of time talking to God about a selfless faith and at first it seemed utterly complicated and unreachable.  But God made it quite clear to me that a selfless faith is simple.. everything is quite simple.  If a child can have selfless faith, then I am missing something in my line of thinking: love.

The whole point of we're urging is simple love-- love uncontaminated by self-interest and counterfeit faith, a life open to God.  Those who fail to keep to this point soon wander off into cul de sacs of gossip.  They set themselves up as experts on religious issues, but haven't the remotest idea of what they're holding forth with such eloquence.  1 Timothy 1:5-7

And oh my dear Timothy, guard the treasure you were given!  Guard it with your life.  Avoid the talk-show religion and the practiced confusion of the so-called experts.  People caught up in a lot of talk can miss the whole point of faith. 1 Timothy 6:20-21

God calls us to trust.. not to completely wander from issues, but often to just smile and know we have Him to take care of us.  A child doesn't understand everything his father does, but can lean on the fact that he will be safe, he will be loved, he will grow.  What would it matter if I had every answer for every event and word of the Bible, would it really bring me closer to God?  Would arguing over the issue of Evolution really mend a heart that is yearning for Jesus?  Absolutely not.  What were are urging is love.  Love is the answer, love is the key, love is what this world is passionate about and they need to know the love of Christ.  When one is in love, they don't need to know everything.. they know that they are valued and will never be forsaken.  Christ is beautiful and His love is pure.  A selfless faith can be found only at the root of the matter: the love of the Father to send His one and only Son so we may know Him.

God is good and He's called me back to staff at YWAM Boston this fall.  I have so much to learn and so far to go.. but God will get me through.  His love and provision are never failing.

Lots of lovin'

See you on the 31st.

America!

It's so off the chain to be in America.. and Boston again, although the rain seemed to follow us from the UK.

Jesus is kickin' and I'm loving my team more and more every day.

I can't believe it's almost over.. 

sad panda.

I need a photo excursion and time with the girls.

Love you all.

Oh boy.
I am currently chillin' with my team in Edinburgh, Scotland seeking refuge from the rain.
Today was absolutely amazing-- we've been partnering with the Rock Elim Church here and they have such a passion for reaching their city.. they put on a giant party in the Meadows (a huge park) with a bouncy castle, face painting, live music and free food.
We barbecued Scot-style.. downpour, trashbag fashion, soggy buns and all but the people kept coming.
God worked in amazing ways despite the rain and we had a wonderful time.
I'll be sad to leave Scotland on Thursday..
God has changed all of us in too many ways to count and I am so blessed to know have this team in my life.
I love telling people about Jesus.. before, I was far too shy and nervous to even utter his name among strangers but God placed a passion in my heart that is burning out of control to tell others about his unfathomable love and grace.
I will be forever changed through this experience.
Christ is worth it all and more..

"The salvation of a single soul is more important than the production and preservation of all of the epics and tragedies in the world."

Hey from Walsall

Hey Y'all,

(Yes I have picked up a southern accent living with a Texan and a Georgian-- don't know if that's what you really call a girl from Georgia :])
We've been in the UK for almost a month now and we have seen 1,001 first time commitments to Jesus and something over 30 re-dedications. It's been amazing.

Since we've been in Walsall, England, we've been in the schools running their RE classes (religious education) and just chillin' with the kids telling them all about Jesus.. eating school lunch again and what not, I never thought I'd have that again! It blows my mind that we can even mention God in a public school seeing as that would never happen in America so it's been a huge blessing.. we're even allowed to pray with them.

Today, we have the day off so our team is hopping on a train to Birmingham, England to do some fun stuff and eat "tea" (the equivalent of American dinner.. only English lunch is called "dinner") and finally be reunited with the the other half of my YWAM family; our team was split in half to be able to reach two separate schools. It'll be brilliant to be able to chill and relax before we head off to Edinburgh, Scotland on Tuesday.

So this is pretty much the final countdown..
2 more days in Walsall and 10 in Edinburgh until we're back in the States.

Miss you all,
hopefully I'll be able to get on here again.

Holy Junk!

So we've just wrapped up our outreach in Belfast, Northern Ireland and God rocked us all. We saw 329 first time salvations and 22 re-dedications to Christ.. Jesus is so rad. The people in Belfast were so open and friendly and I loved every minute of witnessing.

We're currently in Glasgow, Scotland and have been having a great time. We performed our drama and dances in the streets today for over a thousand people and were able to speak of God's love to many people. Tonight, we went to a park and witnessed to the kids hanging out there which was amazing.

I just have to mention that the girls and I have fashioned mattresses of out of folding chairs, nursery blankets and clothing donations from Elim Church where we are staying (we are in a Sunday school room).. Heidy, Katie and Javian are sleeping in a children's play place with a ball pit, and the boys are shacking up in the sanctuary. I find it quite comical.. but we are SO blessed; I'm lovin' every minute of the missionary life.

I'll try to update later on.
Love you all.

I'm Leaving on a Jet Plane.

Tomorrow, my entire Creative Arts in Worship DTS team is flying into Dublin, Ireland and taking a bus to Belfast to begin our epic United Kingdom outreach..  with nothing but a hiking backpack.. oh yeah, and thousands of bits of team equipment :] I am stoked beyond all reason to live it up hippie style for a bit, takin' it to the streets and am looking forward to see God move in amazing ways.  From there, we're headed to Edinburgh and Glasgow, Scotland and London, England.  We've got a lot planned for street evangelism: Doors drama, hip-hop dances, worship music and our production Encounter which we had our first performance of on Friday night and it continues to blow my mind.  (you can read about it at ywamboston.org)

Jesus never ceases to amaze me, if I haven't stated that enough.

Please keep my team and the people of the UK in your prayers..

I may be on here occasionally if we stop by internet cafes

but other than that,

I'm chillin' with Jesus,

and my outrageous team.

Peace and Love to all.

4

I'm not gonna lie, I'm having a really rough day.

Society tells us that expressing emotion is okay as long as they are happy, joyful, etc. but they shun any sign of showing that you are upset, frustrated, mad, etc.  Today I am tired, frustrated, at the end of my rope and I have to vent.  I feel so overwhelmed and the emotions hit me like a tidal wave with absolutely no warning.  We leave for outreach on Monday and for some reason, I don't even want to go anymore.. I have nothing ready to go, I don't feel prepared and my finances are completely drained.  I currently have no motivation.  I am feeling extremely low and I keep coming up with reasons to miss anything and everything back home.

I know that I need to trust God even in my lowest of lows and I'm trying.

He will come through, he always does.

He is faithful and loving even when all human logic says I don't deserve it.

Thank you for reading and I apologize for my extreme bluntness.

The Irony of Life

It's strange to feel disconnected from God when I am in a program in which I'm in His presence 24/7.

With production rehearsals consuming our final days before outreach, I've found having Jesus time a lot more difficult and scarce but a great revelation blossomed from it. This is what the real world is going to be like.  Am I going to be able to "fit in" time with God when I'm working 40+ hours a week, when life hits me upside the face?  I would hate to say that I would have to fit him in, pre-plan my time and "pencil God in."  Of all the things that I have learned while at DTS, perhaps the most important and revolutionary idea that I have adopted and begun to live out would be the fact that Christ is truly my best friend and he's completely real!  He never lets me down, always listens to me when I'm upset, sticks with me when I'm a brat, and even answers my stupid questions such as, "Why is the sky blue?"  He is faithful and never ceases to amaze me even when I don't deserve an ounce of his affection.

So, if Jesus is my best friend, why wouldn't I want to spend time with him all the time?  When I can speak of how awesome Jesus is (you know, he's a rebel and intellectual and super cool..), why wouldn't I want to chill with him more?  It's like when you have a best friend that you think is off-the-chain, and all you can do is talk about how stellar they are and you are attached at their hip.  That's how I want my relationship with Christ to be.  That's the basis behind this blog.  Although life is tough and time is scarce, there will always be time for Jesus.. because without Jesus, there is no life.

Soak up the Sun

Boston in the Spring is absolutely breathtaking.  Everywhere I turn, there are flowers in bloom, budding trees and birds of all kinds greeting me.  I have never seen so many varieties of flowers and trees coming from Wyoming; I'm in awe every time I step out my front door.

And the weather, oh the weather.  Lately it has been in the 80's which is much needed after the long, numbing winter.  My YWAM family and I have been taking full advantage of the gorgeous weather that God has given us, complete with hippie hand-washing clothes parties in the courtyard, Magic at the playground, tanning, swinging, evening lawn Lost watching (similar to a drive in, only no one has a car).. etc.

I am so in love with nature.  God did an excellent job.  Now all I need to do is go camping.. that's on the top of my list when I get back to Wyoming in August.

Lovin' every moment.

Exponential Potential.

Somewhere along the line, I obtained a new found obsession with the Old Testament, believe it or not, because everyone else seems to find it tedious and drawn out.  I think it is compelling and fascinating despite the fact that I have never given it much more than a bird's eye view before, merely turning to it for church or lecture reference.  I find it a blessing, however, that God has instilled a passion in my soul to dig deep into these classic stories and find the humanity of the characters; they are just like me!  And what's better is the reality!

Currently, I am chillin' out in Exodus doing a full-blown dissection of Moses.  As a baby his life gets spared, he gets adopted by the king of Egypt's daughter, and has it pretty much made, or so it seems.  Finally, when he stumbles out of the palace and realizes that his people (the Israelites) are getting beat up, he decides it's time to do something.. along the lines of killing an Egyptian.  Okay: rewind.  Moses killed someone?  Couldn't he have just gone to the king and let him know that he had a problem with the way the Israelites were being treated?  I mean, he had an ins with the palace AND the king's daughter (his adoptive mother).

This is when things start to get heated and Moses ends up fleeing for his life and landing in Midian where he eventually marries Jethro's daughter Zipporah.  By this point, his problems in Egypt have disappeared and Moses is kickin' it with Jethro's flocks, doing his thing and keeping it real.  Fast forward to a seemingly normal day on Mt. Sinai.. until a burning bush appears which never burns up.  That's when God spoke to Moses.. how incredible, I love it.  Moses is probably just looking around dumbfounded thinking, "where did that come from?" and I always love the way the Bible puts their response, "Here I am."  I don't think he was that calm.  So God gives Moses this epic adventure that he is supposed to partake on, more so just letting the Israelites know that the God of Abraham is going to set them free and telling the king that it's okay to let all the slaves take off for three days to offer sacrifices.  Easy stuff, right?  This is the point where Moses FREAKS.  I would too.  I'm sure he's thinking, "God, are you crazy?  I just got ran out of the country AND I suck at speaking AND there is no way you'll get me to go back when I have no clue who you are, you've got to find someone else."  However, Moses quickly found that you don't tell God what he can or can't do through you.

Then come the miracles.  The staff turning into a snake, Moses' hand being consumed by a skin disease and then quickly healed, water turning to blood, etc. and Moses doesn't freak out at this.. but I think they just left that part out to make Moses look more manly.  I wanna know if he passed out, screamed, cried, what!  Honestly, he has no emotion at this point but I know he was feeling something.

Then comes the Dream Team: Moses and Aaron.  Moses gets the God-thing, hearing his voice and what not, Aaron gets to be the poster child, you know, repeat what Moses gets from God, a figure-head if you will.  So the two of them set out to do what God asked and they are NOT pleasantly surprised.  Of course, the Israelites are super stoked that God is going to rescue them but, hold up!  There is no way that the king is going to allow them to leave and Moses has to confront God in all of his frustration.. it did not happen the way it was supposed to!

Moses is ticked!

Okay. So that's enough for now.  Moses is so much like we are.  He was impulsive when he killed an Egyptian, doubting when he challenged God on what he was called to do, freaked out when God performed miracles in front of him, prideful and full of insecurities when he said he was the wrong choice for the mission, and super peeved when things didn't turn out the way he wanted them to.. and he still has a book in the Bible devoted to his journey with God.

Wow.

Outreach Update

Outreach update:

Date: April 15, 2009

Place: East Boston

What: Doors Drama/No Holding Back Evangelism

Why: To show the world God's amazing, unending love for them and to dramatically change their lives through the truth

Pulling up to Maverick Landing and gazing down the rows and rows of houses in the projects, we prepared our hearts to do some Jesus lovin' and boy did God rock that place.  We saw 27 first time commitments to Christ and 4 re-dedications and witnessed to people from 11 nations. FO SHO.

fear

Why is it that the one thing we fear takes the longest to kill us?

Landing after hours on my monotonous flight back to Boston, I began to realize that every person surrounding me and perhaps on the entire plane immediately took out their phones and began calling everyone they knew.  Often times I wonder if it's just an excuse to feel connected again.  I have done the same.  Sitting on a flight for mere hours by yourself is a little unsettling with no one to converse with so the first instinct is to banish that alone feeling by scrolling through your list of contacts and pressing 'talk'.  Now if only everything in life had a button like that.  Maybe it should say 'attention' instead.  We are all terrified of the prospect of being alone.  Of this I am sure, if I were to live this life out alone, I would have died years ago.  But that's part of the saving grace, I've got a God that's always on the receiving end of my 'attention' call even when I don't deserve it.. that's the secret of never being alone.

What it means to fly.

There's just something about airplanes that makes me wonder if I could ever fly.

With a vast ocean of serene clouds below me and warm rays of sun permeating the thin window separating me from heaven, I've dreamt of conversing with Jesus in that very setting. What is heaven? Is it the very moment when you see Jesus face to face, forever locked in awe and love for a Savior so selfless? If so, I've already been to heaven and back. In fact, I take a trip to heaven every time I close my eyes and find myself wrapped in His light, sharing His vision and heart for the world. Who's to say that Jesus is a distant being, to me, He's numbingly real. All He's waiting for is us to bridge the gap, take the plunge, throw away our inhibitions, our doubts, and to believe in His love so evident. Then you will find heaven completely tangible.. and a love that will never break your heart.

So go ahead, fly.
What have you got to lose?

Write Truth First on the Tablet of One's Own Heart

One 

of the 

hardest 

things 

in life 

is 

having

words

in your

heart

you can't

utter.

-James Earl Jones

Finding Value.

Our speaker challenged us to write down our values today and I found it a rather daunting task.  How do you verbalize the very things that make up your being, and even if you can, can you justify them by living them out?  Kirstie and I had a long conversation about it over a cup of coffee and I've come to the conclusion that I have a lot of underlying issues left to sort out before I can be confident in who I am as an individual.  It's been a turbulent time of branching away from what I've been spoon fed my whole life and allowing myself to delve deep into my soul and find what makes my heart beat.  In a nutshell, here are a few of the things that I hope I embody.. and overtime, I hope to gain more and refine my core.

Harmony- I strive to bring individuals of all backgrounds to a peaceful unity and common ground in all situations.

Relationships- Harmony is impossible to achieve without realizing the need of deep, genuine roots in others.

Individual- I take notice and respect that all individuals are unique in their way of thinking, acting and presenting themselves.

Compassion- I put others' needs above my own and take care to be an outlet of love, servanthood and understanding.

Genuineness- My actions and words are intentional and come from my character and heart given to me by the Father.

Impact- Embodying character, manner and actions to spark loving change in the lives of those around me.

Responsibility- Realizing my tangible role in situations as well as taking time to assess others' roles as well.

Honesty- Conveying truth and accountability in my speech and mannerisms.

I've got a long way left to go.

A Sweet Idea..

God has really been working in my heart and I'm starting to realize that things I enjoy the most were put in my heart for a reason.  I've always loved baking.. it's what I do when I'm upset, mad, happy, joyful, excited (you name it) but I never thought of it as more than a hobby.  As I've been at DTS, one of the things I've enjoyed the most is cooking and baking for my YWAM family.  Whenever I have free time, I'm dreaming of things to bake and wishing I was in the kitchen.  So God started to spark a dream in my mind.  Here it is:

A bakery.  So it's a chill hangout/coffee shop with pastries, lattes, sandwiches, etc. where people can come to converse, relax, read or just run in and out.  But after hours, all of the remaining goods go to homeless shelters and needy families.  However, I don't want to just drop them off, it would be more of a ministry of providing a need and showing God's love at the same time.  I want to get to know these families; every individual has an amazing story and my favorite way to start a conversation is over food.  We all have a unique connection to it and I love to bake for other people, something inside me just overflows with joy when I get to cook for others.

I'm so stoked.  I've been doing intercessory prayer about this bakery and God's revealing a lot of things to me about what he wants it to be.  I think this is it..

Sleepless Nights

Don't you hate it when you know you are tired.. but you can't sleep at all?  That's how I've been for the past week.  I am so beat but when my head hits the pillow, I'm wide awake and my mind wanders, thus spiraling me into an even more sleep-deprived state.  I try to force my eyes close so that I can sneak in a few moments of rest, but it doesn't seem to work.  I've got to find a way around this so that I can be productive!  I even go to sleep far before curfew and I still am not asleep by the time 11 rolls around.. and then 1 passes, and 2, and 3 and so on until my alarm goes off.  It's not refreshing in the least.

Any suggestions from people that may have similar problems? Ha. I'm desperate.

Of three things, I'm sure

I've found a few things out about myself and I'd say that they are pretty crucial..

1) I have a servant heart-- I want to be doing something all the time.. I want to bake for people, cook for people, take someone out for coffee, watch someone's kids, work (I know that sounds crazy but I love it), love on people!  And I'm restless here because I feel like I have so much going on that that gets pushed to the side.

2) Evangelism isn't one of my gifts from God-- Although we are all called to tell others about our faith in Christ, God has really shown me that He wants me to reveal that to others through actions, not words.  (Hence the servant heart)

3) I want to know more about God-- 100% and I get so distracted here because I'm always in lecture, arts classes, work duties etc.  I need a relationship with Him and I don't find that through the classes, I need so much more one on one time and sometimes I feel like He's on the back burner when in all reality, He's the whole reason I'm here.

I need to hash these things out.. And writing them down is the best way for me.  So God and I have a lot to talk about.. Love you guys.

The Beating of my Heart

The ways of the heart are so complex and perplexing that I can't even fathom the slightest meaning behind even a single beat.

As I've found hundreds of miles away from home and all that I've known, my heart aches for the people and places it once knew.  Love is so intricate and I can see that I truly loved (and still do) many things about my past surroundings.. and I'm longing to be submerged in the emotions of "home" once again.  This is an incredible journey and I've grown far more than I could have ever anticipated but something is missing.. something so meaningful that it hurts with every beat of my heart to know that I am away.  People.  Family, friends, everyone.

God has definitely revealed the importance of family to me over this time and I must say that I can't wait to get home and have my mama's home cookin', play Nerts with Megan and Brook, and breakfast burritos at R&B with my dad.  Not to mention, putting on a front that I am annoyed by my golden retriever Jackson when I really adore him.  And the friends, oh the friends.. bumpin' and thuggin' it with Anna and Steven, coffee and board games with Bry and Trish, all-nighters at the Waffle House with Morgan, messing up signs and eating Mexican food with Courtney, Paige, Allie, Jasmine, and Tina.. wow, just a lot of things.  Small comforts and loves that I miss so much more than I would have ever thought.  I was so ready to get out, so ready to spread my wings, and now that I've flown, I'm ready to be back.  I still have dreams.. a lot of dreams.. like going to Africa, starting a ministry of lovin' on people in Atlanta with Sav and Amber, and opening a bakery and donating almost all of it to the homeless and kids.. but I've still got so much to do and so many people to bring with me to such events.

Besides, I still have an amazing 5 months ahead of me in which to enjoy and grow in the relationships with all of the awe-inspiring people of God at DTS and outreach.  Wow.. it's going to fly by.

60 Days Down.

Last night we celebrated our two month anniversary with a sweet, little dessert party.  We had mini strawberry shortcake, chocolate chip cookies, Dunkin' Munchkins, French and Italian pastries, brownies, chocolate peanut butter cupcakes, and popcorn (you gotta have a little salt).  It was delicious and I love that we get together and eat.. ha, that's definitely one way we bond best.  And of course, it wouldn't be a Creative Worship DTS gathering without a photo shoot.. so we threw one in for fun :]  

We've all grown so close, so much that I feel as if I've known my team for years, not just two months.  It's crazy to think that we only have five more months together and I'm certain that time will fly.  We'll be on outreach before we know it and soon after Joshua Generation will follow and then grad.  What a whirlwind.

UnReal.

Last night was a very different outreach experience than the prayer station at Copley Square.  Since we are learning about value and our worth in Christ, Brenda Lewis asked us to take a survey to the streets and get a glimpse of the general population's worldview.  The survey was made up of three seemingly simple questions:

1.  Are humans more valuable than an inanimate object (e.g. table, lamppost, piece of paper)?

yes, no, or equal

2.  Are humans more valuable than an animate object (animals)?

yes, no, or equal

3.  In your opinion, from what do humans derive their worth?

For our entire group, the answers came quickly and naturally.  First of all, of course humans are more important than a table.. need I say more?  Secondly, humans are more important than animals.  Case in point, if a puppy and a baby were stranded in the street with a car quickly approaching and you only had time to rescue one, which would you save?  I love puppies, but I would hands down save the baby.  Finally, we all decided that we derive our worth or value from Christ.

However, on the streets we got some interesting answers.  Mind you, we were at Harvard Square so this could have something to do with the replies, but nevertheless, they were still... rather absurd.  Many people decided that we have equal or less value than INANIMATE objects.  Meaning, a table and a person have the same contribution to society.  Furthermore, a few people actually said they would save the puppy, not the baby.  As far as the question on worth goes, many people said it had to do with greed, wealth, good works, etc.

These are startling answers because most people that answer in that matter feel that they have absolutely no value in this world, no worth or significance whatsoever.  This gives me even more of a passion to tell them about Christ, everyone has value.

Forever perplexed.

Lovin' It.

We have an outstanding teacher this week.  Her name is Brenda Lewis and she's asking us to question all of the things we have viewed as truth.  There is only one truth, and that is Jesus and all other truths branch off of Him.  It was so liberating to sit there and say, "Why do I agree with that?"  "Why do I follow that rule?"  "Why do I worship in that way?"  

One thing that really struck me was when Brenda said, "We're religious and we don't even know it."  We need to move away from the traditions of the "church" and live the way Christ lived.. instead of getting caught up in church politics, we should be out on the streets loving on people the way He did.  After all, we ARE the church.. correct?  But we've got it in our heads that the church is a building and a place we go once a week to get our fix.

Now ponder this.. what if we didn't go to church?  What if we just lived out the principles of the Bible and went out and DID something?  I'm not saying abandon the church and the people that attend it, but we get our heads filled with all of these amazing ideas, prospects, teachings, etc. and what do we do with them?  We let them mill around in our heads and quickly out our ears and we sit back and don't do a thing.  Sure, we nod our heads and think, "Wow, that's exactly what I need to do," but when reality sets in, we do absolutely nothing.

Jesus was out there.  Trent Shepherd has been speaking to us on Thursdays and he's challenging us just as much as Brenda.  Who was Jesus as a person, not a God?  You see, we have no problem with referring to Him as an all-knowing being in the sky but Jesus was just as much of a person as He is God.  Jesus had radical views and He had the most amazing guidance and teaching of all, the teaching that came directly from His Father in Heaven and what did He do with that information?  Did He sit back and say, "Yeah God, that's some awesome stuff but I'm a little too busy to apply it.  Besides, what does it have to do with me anyway?"  If He did, we would have NO hope in life.  He took the information, it soaked in, permeated His being and He went out and told everyone of His Father!  Now you may be thinking, "I'm not Jesus, so it's not my job" but that's a lie.  We were called to take the Good News to the ends of the earth and I don't know about you, but I plan on obeying that call.

I am completely fired up right now, and it's stellar.  It's so freeing to have something to care about!

Family

Last night was rather strange seeing as half of my team went to lead worship at a youth group, leaving the other half of us to chill at the base.  It made me realize how thankful I am to be a part of such an amazing group of people.  Everyone is here for a reason.. reasons that a lot of us haven't found yet, and when half are missing you see the incredible dynamic we all have together.  Every person here has something different to bring to the team, a different personality, different way of thinking, different way of even dressing and we fit together perfectly.  This includes staff as well, with half gone, it just didn't feel like the real YWAM Boston team.. It didn't feel like the YWAM family. =]

On the other hand, it was great to bond with Heidy, Joanna, Sarah, Jessica, Amber, Matt and Joe back at the base.  We had so much fun practicing our dances for outreach, laughing, and just being crazy.  Trust me, when we all start the dancin', there's no stoppin' us.

Afterward, I got to spend some one on one time with one of my housemates, Amber.  I love getting to know people on a more personal level and we did exactly that over Starbucks frappuccinos.. which is quite a luxury nowadays.  It's so incredible to see someone's heart and to hear all of the things on their mind.. all of us are growing so close and I wouldn't trade it in for the world.  I can't wait for the coming months and for outreach.  God is doing incredible things.

Empty

How is it that I am constantly surrounded by people yet I feel so alone?

I am so empty.. I am completely drained.  When will I be filled up again?  A series of events have left me in this state and I can't even begin to describe the way I am feeling.  I am tired.. I've got to get over it and focus but for some reason I can't come to grips with it all.

With Everything.

Break down our pride

And all the walls we've built up inside

Our earthly crowns and all our desires

We lay at Your feet

With everything

With everything

We will shout for Your glory

With everything

With everything

We will shout forth Your praise

Everything.  That is key.  For so long, I've held things back. Held them back from God, back from my family, my friends... everyone.  Now, everything is spilling out and everything that I have, all that I am, is being surrendered to God.  It's a painful process, but a good one at that.  I know that the end is greater than anything I could ever imagine.  God planned my life before I was even born, He planned all the things I would do, all the places I would go, the people I'd love, He knows it all.  So why am I afraid to let things go?  I am afraid of the unfamiliar, the uncomfortable.. I am afraid that if I don't have a plan for EVERYTHING that it will all fall apart.  But God is breaking me of that and it's extremely liberating.  I serve a God that does not judge, that does not turn me away.. My God is loving, compassionate, powerful, and so much more than I could ever describe. He holds me when I'm scared and lifts me up when I rejoice, He's everywhere.. always in my heart, my thoughts, and the very depths of my soul.

I am loving every second I spend with Him, every word He gives me, and every vision that He plants in my mind God has a purpose for all things and it's been amazing to see the things He has promised come to pass.  I'm so thankful to have such an amazing Father, friend, Savior, and all other names that could be devised for Him.  God is, hands down, the most amazing 'person' I have ever met..  Its so personal to have a relationship with Him, not to just read about Him in the Bible or cower under his enormity.  But to have a real friendship and understanding with Him.

Forever in love and awe.

wondering where to go.. yet halfway knowing

Africa. I'm going to volunteer for a year in Africa; I know it's what I'm supposed to do. God has made it very clear that Africa is a place for me and I've found quite a few amazing organizations and orphanages to volunteer at but now it's up to prayer. Inspire Kenya has opportunities to work with abandoned babies in Kenya and orphans in Mombasa. Another Hope is looking for individuals to work in a school for community and abandoned children in Uganda. TLC focuses on caring for abandoned babies and providing loving homes for children in South Africa..

So God and I have a lot to sort out.. but I'm committed to going there someday. I'm just not sure on what God's timing is, but I have a feeling its sooner rather than later.

Prayer is so important. Now and forever.

As Vast as the Ocean

It seems that I see God most vividly at our community worship nights every other Thursday and last night was no different.  While I was singing, God gave me a vision of a deserted beach under an overcast sky, waves softly washing onto the beach.  And there I was standing on the beach with Jesus, sweeet (at least what I picture Jesus to look like).  He was holding me in His arms, hugging me and telling me I will never be alone with Him in my heart.

I stepped away, bowed before Him, and held my heart in my hands offering it to Jesus.  That's when He took it from my hands, helped me to my feet and we walked to the water.  Jesus walked into the water, with my heart in His hands and let the waves wash over it.  As we walked out of the water, He told me the water cleansed my heart so it will beat for only Him.  Then He pressed my heart back into my chest and He told me to fly into the world.  He lifted me up while a light engulfed me and I turned into a dove, and flew away from the beach and out into the world.

It was strangely beautiful and extremely moving.  It sounds so weird, especially turning into a dove but God is always showing me doves and I find it fitting that I have a dove tattoo.  He even called me His Dove.  So I'm trying to decipher what that could mean as far as my destiny goes.

The Power of Prayer.. Like WOAH

This week our speaker is Nick Savoca and he has been talking about the Father Heart of God.  It's been awesome.  Another amazing thing is Nick is the inventor of the Prayer Station, which God showed to him some years ago.  Tonight we had the opportunity to take prayer to the streets through the Prayer Station and it was AMAZING.

First, let me tell you what a Prayer Station is.  It is a table set up with a banner hung above it that simply says "Prayer Station" or "Place of Prayer."  Then we all stand around it and walk/talk to people and pretty much just say, "We're out here praying for people and I was wondering if I could pray for you."  Simple, yet so powerful and needed.

When we first got out to Copley Square and set up our Prayer Station, I was nervous.. but I knew I had to give it a shot.  I got a lot of rejections at first and I wanted to quit but God reminded me that it wasn't about me at all, so I kept on truckin' and boy, am I glad I did.

I just felt the Holy Spirit take over me and soon I was singing songs while waiting for people to walk by and I was filled with joy.  Although I only got to pray with two people, a lot of people were interested in the fact that we were out praying and a lot of Christians I talked to asked if they could pray for us.

One woman that I prayed for really blessed me; God definitely led me to her.  I walked up to her and started to tell her that we were praying and asked if she wanted any prayer.  She replied, "Do I have to do anything?"  The answer is, no, we just want to pray for you, no gimmick.  So I asked her if there was anything in particular she wanted prayer for and she told me she was pregnant.  So I prayed for God to bless her and her unborn baby and to keep both of them safe and healthy, a very simple prayer.  When it was over, she had a huge smile on her face and said, "That was so amazing!"  Then she thanked me and gave me a HUGE hug.  She was a complete stranger that God brought joy to through prayer and she boosted my spirits for the Lord and for prayer.  It was such a blessing.

Prayer is a way of life, not just a pastime.  If we can trust God to do wonders through prayer, He will provide, in the good times and bad.  He is so amazing and I pray that all the people we talked to or passed by will be blessed.

God Does Provide.

After "hitting the wall" this last week, God started to reveal to me why He's testing me.. He's testing my trust, patience, and my very faith in Him.  It's good to know the reasons behind the seasons, eh?  So after beginning to understand His way of doing things I decided, "This is it, either you trust Him 100% now or you never will."

Here I am, being held in my Lord and savior's arms and I feel great.  Getting over the tough questions did wonders for me.. and I'm sure there are many to overcome in the future, but that's ok.  I'm trusting Him in everything, even in my finances which, let me tell you, is extremely difficult to let go of.

However, DTS as a whole is still in need of $22, 500 by Friday.

But God is already moving in amazing ways and He WILL provide.

As Psalm 23 says, "The Lord is my shepherd" and He will remove all fears from our hearts and longs to bless us as His followers.

Wearing down.

Its been six weeks now and I'm starting to feel as if I'm wearing down.  Now that the newness is gone, I'm questioning whether or not I really even know God.  It's a confusing place to be..

So here I am.

Life savings completely drained.

All of my college money out the door.

And still no sign of seeing the rest of my funds met.

I guess I'm curious about why I'm really here.  The lessons have been amazing, the friends I've made are priceless, but in the end I'm starting to wonder if I'm really any different than when I left home.  It feels like a giant youth rally or conference where you're all hyped when you're there but as soon as you get home, everything goes back to normal.  For me, that was wondering what in the world I'm doing with my life.  Living with my parents, working two jobs, and not showing any sign of advancement.  I'm hoping that's not the case.

And I suppose God is super confusing as well.  Aspects of His character don't make sense.  Why does He heal one person but allow another to die?  Why does He miraculously provide support for an individual but leaves another completely hanging?  Do we serve a selective God?  From what I've read, He isn't like that.  But from what I've seen, He is.

Who is God?

And why am I here?

I think everyone hits a point like this in their life.  To write it down helps me to understand what I'm feeling.  I need God more than ever.